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How about trying NOT being a jerk

Move from adversaries to teammates. The first three minutes of a difficult conversation matter:

In a six-year longitudinal study performed by John Gottman and Sybil Carrère, they discovered that they could predict the likelihood of a couple’s divorce by observing just the first three minutes of a conflict discussion.

Three major errors in difficult conversations:

  1. We assume we know all we need to know to understand and explain a situation.
  2. We hide our feelings — or let them loose in ways we later regret.
  3. We ignore who we are, acting as if our identity is separate from the issues.

“The key is to shift your thinking from I need to explain myself or deliver a message to I need to listen and learn more about what is going on,” Stone says.” Doug Stone

Before you start a difficult conversation ask three questions:

  1. Sort out what happened. How do you see the situation? Where does your story come from (information, past experiences, rules)? What...
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Move from adversaries to teammates

The first three minutes

  • In a six-year longitudinal study performed by John Gottman and Sybil Carrère, they discovered that they could predict the likelihood of a couple’s divorce by observing just the first three minutes of a conflict discussion.

Three major errors in difficult conversations

  1. We assume we know all we need to know to understand and explain a situation.
  2. We hide our feelings — or let them loose in ways we later regret.
  3. We ignore who we are, acting as if our identity is separate from the issues.

“The key is to shift your thinking from I need to explain myself or deliver a message to I need to listen and learn more about what is going on,” Stone says.” Doug Stone

Before you start a difficult conversation. Ask three questions:

  1. Sort out what happened. How do you see the situation? Where does your story come from (information, past experiences, rules)? What do you think you know about the other person’s viewpoint? What...
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The joy of difficult conversations

The joy of difficult conversations will lead you to the marriage you want. 

25 years of missing out on the true joy resulting from pain

  • I didn’t want to feel Judgment, condemnation, controlled, confused, powerless
  • I kept trying to change her
  • I couldn’t understand we are all two things simultaneously

Where is the joy in pain?

  • It leads to a deeper understanding
  • The result is authentic intimacy

Intimate Conversations (only available to VIP members)

One Incredible Exercise (only available to VIP members)

  • Gottman's Open-Ended Questions Exercise
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How to have a difficult conversation

“In a world where great risks can bring extraordinary rewards, Tom Mullen has succeeded beyond his wildest dreams...” Now I hear it, I’ll never make it as a movie trailer voiceover guy, like that one guy, who’s done every movie trailer ever produced. Do you know his name? I looked it up and will tell you at the end of this intro. “But first, in a world where husbands and wives fight for control of the other, one couple takes a risk. They boldly enter into a difficult conversation.”

You’ll love this movie! Drama, comedy, suspense, and a happy ending...no, not that kind of happy ending! Pain is part of an intimate relationship but most of us can’t ever go there because we either avoid pain, or we turn pain into an unproductive hurt locker.

Today we learn how to have a difficult conversation. You’re going to learn about, wait for it, cue the dramatic music...the the soft start-up.

Welcome to the show, I’m your host, Michael...

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Feeling overwhelmed by "Flooding"?

 

Dr. John Gottman writes:

We all know what it’s like to get carried off by some rough emotional currents when we are dealing with our mate. These aren’t the day-to-day flashes of anger or hurt. I am talking about the giant waves of bad feelings that completely knock you down and take any rational thought with them. This is how it usually goes. You are in the middle of a conflict or disagreement, your partner says or does something, and suddenly you fall down a deep dark rabbit hole. The only notes you register are rage, hurt, panic, and fear.

Ever think, "Why do our arguments feel insane? I end up overwhelmed and totally discouraged"? On August 7th learn why "Flooding" derails your relationship.  More importantly, learn how to eliminate "Flooding" from your arguments! 

If you want to turn arguments from miserable moments to opportunities for deeper intimacy, educate don't degenerate by:

  1. Focusing on the good and dealing with the bad
  2. Take a Sacred Pause to...
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Pursue forgiveness

Become a part of Pursue Oneness, our newest online experience and community!

Leave a review and subscribe to the podcast.

Call us at (903) 392-0975 and leave a voicemail question or review.

Show Content:

Everybody wants intimacy, but are you willing to do the work of forgiveness?

Early one morning in Dacula, Ga., Matt Swatzell was driving home from a 24-hour shift as a firefighter and EMS and had only 30 minutes of sleep. He was less than four miles from his home on October 2, 2006 when he suddenly heard what he calls “the most God awful sound I’ve ever heard.”

Listen to the podcast for the whole story!

Here’s what you get in the Pursue Oneness online experience:

  1. Ed Laymance’s Flushing exercise, which is all you need but…

  2. How do you seek forgiveness and repair damage

  3. The 5 stages of forgiveness

  4. The roadblocks keeping you from forgiving others

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Pursue attraction

I don’t know why, but for some reason when I have an amazing story to share for this podcast, I think of Mr. Rogers! I’ve got a story for you today that has a drunken crowd, a demanding husband and a wife who does the only thing she could possibly do to make the situation... promising. Join us as we pursue attraction!

SPECIAL OFFER: Become a part of Pursue Oneness, our newest online experience and community! https://www.smalleyinstitute.com/offers/6WdgCzgc

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SHOW NOTES

There is an old story that illustrates the principle of honor within marriage. A drunkard husband, spending the evening with his jovial and drunken companions at a tavern, boasted that if he took a group of his friends home with him at midnight and asked his Christian wife to get up and cook supper for them, she would do it without complaint. He laughed...

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Pursue communication and the Empty Box

Today we have a story. It’s called the Empty Box and we don’t know who wrote it, but trust us, you want to hear it. The emptiness may not be so empty after all.

Pursue Oneness takes the guesswork out of "what can help" by providing an easy way to discover the most important knowledge and skills for you need to succeed in your relationship. Check it out today!

Leave a review and subscribe to the podcast.

Call us at (903) 392-0975 and leave a voicemail question or review. 

Show Content:

  • You've got to listen to the story I read for today's show! 
  • We have a gift for you today as well, but it’s not an empty box, but it is filled with L.O.V.E. Talk.
  • “Be devoted to one another in brotherly love. Honor one another above yourselves” (Romans 12:10)

 

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Pursue unity quietly

President Roosevelt's "day in infamy" and Winston Churchill's "never surrender" are two famous speeches setting the tone for today's show. We share a story from our past that I’m simply calling, the great American meltdown of NYC! Today we pursue unity through a story.

Pursue Oneness takes the guesswork out of "what can help" by providing an easy way to discover the most important knowledge and skills for you need to succeed in your relationship. Check it out today!

Leave a review and subscribe to the podcast.

Call us at (903) 392-0975 and leave a voicemail question or review. 

Show Content:

  • Perhaps the greatest scripture in the Bible about taking a timeout is James 1:19, “Understand this, my dear brothers and sisters: You must all be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to get angry.”  
  • This is the essence of what it means to take a timeout.  
    1. This is yet another verse in Scripture we need to live out by taking a timeout when we get upset....
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Pursue peace crazy fast

Today is about understanding, perhaps, the single greatest thing you can do to decrease anger and increase intimacy! Pursue validation.

Pursue Oneness takes the guesswork out of "what can help" by providing an easy way to discover the most important knowledge and skills for you need to succeed in your relationship. Check it out today!

Leave a review and subscribe to the podcast.

Call us at (903) 392-0975 and leave a voicemail question or review. 

Show Content:

(Here's a link to that precious girls GoFundMe page, who helps the elderly and gives them three wishes.)

What does it mean to validate? 'If I gave everything I have to the poor and even sacrificed my body, I could boast about it; but if I didn’t love others, I would have gained nothing.’  1 Corinthians 13:3

Validating is really living out Matthew 7:12! You know how you want to be treated, so go ahead and grab the initiative and do it for your partner!  First accepting someone’s feelings...

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