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A.R.E. You ready!

We've turned the corner and you are ready to turn betrayal into deeper intimacy!

Get the rest of these notes, an epic, in-depth online experience, 24/7 digital access to coaching from Dr. Michael Smalley, the downloads and couples exercises, a path towards healing your pain, tools to shape your communication and intimacy, assessments to guide you, and a community of support from people who will cheer you on as you journey to the relationship you want. Join the VIP Inner Circle! Learn more.

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Let it go and flush

We are turning the corner on Primal Panic and focusing in on genuine healing! Now drop whatever you are doing and flush it.

Get the rest of these notes, an epic, in-depth online experience, 24/7 digital access to coaching from Dr. Michael Smalley, the downloads and couples exercises, a path towards healing your pain, tools to shape your communication and intimacy, assessments to guide you, and a community of support from people who will cheer you on as you journey to the relationship you want. Join the VIP Inner Circle! Learn more.

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The Lover: Primal Panic Reaction

This is who you want to be if you ever want to overcome the pain of feeling betrayed.

Get the rest of these notes, an epic, in-depth online experience, 24/7 digital access to coaching from Dr. Michael Smalley, the downloads and couples exercises, a path towards healing your pain, tools to shape your communication and intimacy, assessments to guide you, and a community of support from people who will cheer you on as you journey to the relationship you want. Join the VIP Inner Circle! Learn more.

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The Runner: Primal Panic

"We need to talk." Possibly the four worst words this style of panic reaction could ever hear! The Runner is the second bad reaction style to panic and fear of conflict.

Get the rest of these notes, an epic, in-depth online experience, 24/7 digital access to coaching from Dr. Michael Smalley, the downloads and couples exercises, a path towards healing your pain, tools to shape your communication and intimacy, assessments to guide you, and a community of support from people who will cheer you on as you journey to the relationship you want. Join the VIP Inner Circle! Learn more.

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The Fighter: Primal Panic Reaction Style

Ever feel like your words and actions were not achieving the deepest desire of your heart? You keep reacting in ways that push people further and further away?

Get the rest of these notes, an epic, in-depth online experience, 24/7 digital access to coaching from Dr. Michael Smalley, the downloads and couples exercises, a path towards healing your pain, tools to shape your communication and intimacy, assessments to guide you, and a community of support from people who will cheer you on as you journey to the relationship you want. Join the VIP Inner Circle! Learn more.

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Born from betrayal: Primal Panic

  • Like a knife stabbing you in the chest with each breath you take
  • Like a rain cloud of negative speak following your every move
  • Like an impostor hijacked your normal self
  • Like an explosion in your brain, sending your thoughts spiraling out of control

You are not just worried or anxious, you are experiencing Primal Panic.

Defining Primal Panic or Attachment Distress

Isolation and the potential loss of loving connection is coded by the human brain into a primal panic response. [Johnson, Dr. Sue. Hold Me Tight (p. 46). Little, Brown and Company. Kindle Edition.]

Primal Panic appears when you feel betrayed by an affair, abuse, divorce, parents, PTSD, etc. Struggles often begin as a child because your parent or caregiver could not provide a safe, secure foundation.

Get the rest of these notes, an epic, in-depth online experience, 24/7 digital access to coaching from Dr. Michael Smalley, the downloads and couples exercises, a path towards healing your pain, tools to shape your...

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The mathematical formula for your best life now!

Dear brothers and sisters, when I was with you I couldn’t talk to you as I would to spiritual people. I had to talk as though you belonged to this world or as though you were infants in Christ. 2 I had to feed you with milk, not with solid food, because you weren’t ready for anything stronger. And you still aren’t ready, 3 for you are still controlled by your sinful nature. You are jealous of one another and quarrel with each other. Doesn’t that prove you are controlled by your sinful nature? Aren’t you living like people of the world? I Corinthians 3:1-3

  • We are going through Bondage Breakers by Neil T. Anderson
  • Think unresolved conflict is no big deal?
    • Can't receive healthy, biblical, wise counsel because of unresolved conflict
      • Jealousy, unforgiveness, bitterness, mean-spiritedness, etc.
  • It is not our circumstances dragging us down! It is our reactions to each other causing chaos.

The mathematical formula for your best life is = T - H +...

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The power of a sacred pause

"The most important thing in life is to stop saying 'I wish' and start saying 'I will.' Consider nothing impossible, then treat possibilities as probabilities." Charles Dickens wrote that, and this week you are about to learn the most important strategy for your relationship to succeed. Before you become flooded, and incapable of loving each other well, take a Sacred Pause.  It's really the only way you can get through difficult conversations and come out closer than ever.

The Sacred Pause is nothing more than recognizing you are getting upset.  Is this difficult to do?  Clearly not! We all can recognize when we are not happy and are getting angry.  The question is whether or not you are willing to make the right choice in these moments.

Are you willing to disengage, in the right way, and give yourself time to calm down? You had better be willing because a Sacred Pause is going to save your marriage.

What is a Sacred Pause?

I've talked about this strategy a...

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4 repulsive reactions you have to stop now

Repulsive.  Just saying the word out loud should get your attention. "Arousing intense distaste or disgust." The Urban Dictionary defines repulsive as, "Something or someone that is gross and provokes disgust; disgusting." Let me ask you something, is this your goal each day you wake up lying next to the person you chose to spend the rest of your life together? Is it your dream to destroy your marriage and spend tens of thousands of dollars on arguably the worst experience a human being can go through? Are you intentionally trying to be repulsive through your words and actions?

Unless you are Hitler, Stalin, Mussolini, or Jeffrey Dahmer, my guess is you are not, in fact, waking up in the mornings dreaming of creative ways to repulse your spouse. The bummer is, we are naturally gifted at being repulsive when things become difficult.

The family of your youth taught you many things.  Some good things and some bad things. The perfect family system does not exist....

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The one thing you can't do

When is the last time you heard, "You never do anything! I have to do everything around here!" Or at least some version of an irritated, angry, frustrated, overwhelmed, or disgusting statement of fact leaving you feeling like a failure or judged. Today, together, we are going to eliminate this kind of hullabaloo (Which I spelled hullabaloo correctly on my first attempt, whoops, I typed this out too fast because Grammarly finally corrected me! Now I've just made it embarrassing.) Anyway, today we discover how to destroy flooding in our difficult conversations.

Welcome to Inspirational Comedy, I'm Michael Smalley, thank you for joining me today.  Two things before we get started.

  1. Head on over to smalleyinstitute.com and join the family by becoming a member of the VIP Inner Circle. It's weekly coaching, encouragement, and guidance to help you get the marriage you want. You get date night ideas, a huge vault of online courses (valued at over $500), downloadable couples...
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