It’s the ninth show in our series called, The Hero’s Guide to Winning Back Your Wife! It is the final show (until Seth reminds me that we need to do a wrap-up show) of the series. Last show we had to walk you through the possibility that your wife won’t come back. This week we get to give you the most important things you need to do if she does come back. This is going to be way more positive…which always makes me happy. And, you’re going to learn exactly what you have to do each day, each week, and each year moving forward so your relationship continues to get better.

SHOW NOTES

If you want to listen to all the episodes in this series, just click here.

• What if she does come back
• You’ve taken all the things we’ve encouraged you to do, and it’s worked!
• But now, you really do need to be like a hero
  • Celebrate, but don’t settle
  • You must become a lifelong learner
  • You need to keep discovering and becoming a PhD of your wife
• What...

It’s the eighth show of our series, The Hero’s Guide to Winning Back Your Wife. Sometimes, the hero’s journey doesn’t have a hollywood ending. It can be more like the ending of Cold Mountain with Jude Law and Nicole Kidman. This movie came out in 2003 and I’m still angry and distraught about how it ended. You don’t want to hear today’s show, I know this, but you need to listen because what do you do if she doesn’t come back?

SHOW NOTES

If you want to listen to all the episodes in this series, just click here.

• What if she doesn’t come back
  • You need to hear this because, unfortunately, it is a possibility.
    • Sticking your head in the sand won’t make it better
  • First, realize you have no control over whether or not you win back your wife.  That is in God’s hands.
• If you “demand” that she comes back, it may be why you lost her
  • If your heart and attitude during this hero’s journey is that you...

We’ve landed on the seventh week in our series, The Hero’s Guide to Winning Back Your Wife. Today’s show could possibly be the most important of the entire series because you are going to learn the one question you have to ask. If you don’t ask this question, you’ll likely lose your wife. If you ask the question, and don’t follow through…well…let’s just say your hero’s journey could be over for sure.

SHOW NOTES

• Ask the all powerful question
• “What can I do to repair the damage I’ve caused in our relationship?”
• This is your greatest roadmap to recovery
  • It will validate her
  • You will be received as a servant
• Follow through or kill the relationship
  • If you don’t follow her roadmap, you can kiss the relationship goodbye
  • It’s like setting off an atom bomb
  • It will confirm her worst negative beliefs about you
• What could possibly cause you not to follow through?
  • Pride, arrogance, selfishness
  • ...

• The key strategies to seeking forgiveness are
  • Adjust your expectations of her response
  • Own the damage (which you’ve already learned about in the show “It starts with you”)
  • Be soft in both words and actions
  • Whatever you do, don’t say “I’m sorry”
  • Don’t shy away from the really hard stuff
  • Take it on the chin if need be
• What if your wife reacts poorly?
  • Just exactly what were you expecting?
  • Allow her the right to be upset and reject your seeking of forgiveness
  • Make sure she knows your “door” is always open if she changes her mind
  • Pray and fast on when you should approach her again, but don’t harass her...no matter what
  • Give God the chance to work on her heart, that is not your job
• A hero’s actions
  • Put some time and prayer in before your initial attempt to seek forgiveness
  • Say something like, “I know that I hurt you deeply when I (insert your ownership here).  It was wrong and I’d like to ask...

• What your wife wants most is to be validated
• “You’re right…”
  • Validating someone’s feelings is first accepting someone’s feelings and then acknowledging and accepting the other person’s unique identity and individuality. Validation says, “You are more important to me than proving myself right or proving you wrong.”
  • Whether you agree or not.
  • Does not matter what you think or believe, because her feelings are her feelings...which makes them a reality regardless of truth or facts.
  • It’s not about the nail.

• Validating statements
  • “I hear you’re upset by what I said, instead of being funny it sounds like I was really hurtful, is that right?”
  • “I hear that what I said to you really hurt your feelings. What can I do to make it right?”
  • Validation is not agreeing, it’s simply allowing your wife to be who she is, faults and all.
• If you don’t validate her
  • You’ll convince her...

• It starts with you
  • Personal responsibility is at the heart of every healthy relationship
    • It’s the fuel that drives the engine
    • Stop focusing on everything else
    • Look in the mirror, the only thing you can control is your own thoughts, emotions, and actions
  • When we blame
    • We become the victim, and victims simply don’t win relationally
    • It causes defensiveness
    • Stops the change process
    • Builds animosity
• A hero’s actions
  • Don’t apologize, but take responsibility
  • “What I’ve realized is how I hurt you by…”
  • Do for her what you wish she was doing for you
  • Never quit

• If you’re listening to this show, you might know of what we speak. “That’ll do Donkey...that’ll do.” Shrek
• You’ve blown it, now what?
  • Accept the consequences of your actions
  • Take ownership of your part only
  • Respond with humility
• The Humble Hero
  • Rocky 3 is a great example of humility.
  • James 4:6: "God opposes the proud, but gives grace to the humble."
  • Humility is getting back on God’s side.
  • Admit that you’re wrong
  • Be willing to learn and grow
  • God has a promise to humility (Isaiah 66:2) that we will be blessed when humbled
• Is like Jesus
  • He came to serve...so you serve
  • He came as a sacrifice...so you sacrifice
  • He was dependent on God...so be dependent on God
• The pitfall of pride
  • Stop telling her how you’ve changed and you’re a new man...show her!
  • Respect her boundaries, that’s the true sign you’re changing
  • If her heart is closed, the last thing you can do is close your heart.
• A hero’s actions
  • ...

• How you lost her in the first place
  • Unresolved anger and conflict
  • You were pushing her buttons AND reacting poorly to your buttons being pushed
  • The Conflict Dance
    • How you break the dance
      • Take responsibility on how you react
    • Don’t…
      • Escalate
      • Avoid
      • Dishonor
      • Negative belief
      • These are all the actions of a selfish person
    • Do…
      • Validate
      • Listen
      • Understand
      • Sacrifice
      • These are all the actions of a hero
  • Each subsequent show will give you honoring ways to react
  • A hero’s actions
    • Identify your dance
    • Understand your core buttons
    • Choose to start responding like a hero

Today we start a special series on The Hero’s Guide To Winning Back Your Wife. It’s based on a new book I’m writing with my brother-in-law Roger Gibson for men who want to build the marriage of their dreams.