The Reluctant Missionary

Authentic stories from the travels of Michael Smalley.

Why she's always right

hero's guide to winning back your wife marriage Oct 17, 2017

  • What your wife wants most is to be validated
  • “You’re right…”
    • Validating someone’s feelings is first accepting someone’s feelings and then acknowledging and accepting the other person’s unique identity and individuality. Validation says, “You are more important to me than proving myself right or proving you wrong.”
    • Whether you agree or not.
    • Does not matter what you think or believe, because her feelings are her feelings...which makes them a reality regardless of truth or facts.
    • It’s not about the nail.

  • Validating statements
    • “I hear you’re upset by what I said, instead of being funny it sounds like I was really hurtful, is that right?”
    • “I hear that what I said to you really hurt your feelings. What can I do to make it right?”
    • Validation is not agreeing, it’s simply allowing your wife to be who she is, faults and all.
  • If you don’t validate her
    • You’ll convince her that nothing has changed
    • You’ll keep that miserable conflict dance going round and round
    • You’ll delay any healing that needs to occur
    • You make whatever she is feeling significantly worse
  • When you validate, the benefits are:
    • An open heart and a desire to reconnect
    • Peace
    • A de-escalation of whatever hurt you’ve caused
    • A fighting chance to win back her heart
  • A hero’s actions
    • If she has asked you not to contact her, then wait, because that is validating.  At some point you’ll get a chance to say, “I know I’ve hurt you through rejections, control, etc.  If you’re open to it, is there anything I can do to begin repairing the damage I caused you?”
    • If she is open to talk with you, then make sure and ask her, “Would you mind sharing with me specifically how I’ve hurt you?”  Then validate whatever comes out of her mouth.
    • Give her time to experience your change and keep validating no matter how many times she needs it.

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