• What your wife wants most is to be validated
• “You’re right…”
  • Validating someone’s feelings is first accepting someone’s feelings and then acknowledging and accepting the other person’s unique identity and individuality. Validation says, “You are more important to me than proving myself right or proving you wrong.”
  • Whether you agree or not.
  • Does not matter what you think or believe, because her feelings are her feelings...which makes them a reality regardless of truth or facts.
  • It’s not about the nail.

• Validating statements
  • “I hear you’re upset by what I said, instead of being funny it sounds like I was really hurtful, is that right?”
  • “I hear that what I said to you really hurt your feelings. What can I do to make it right?”
  • Validation is not agreeing, it’s simply allowing your wife to be who she is, faults and all.
• If you don’t validate her
  • You’ll convince her...

• It starts with you
  • Personal responsibility is at the heart of every healthy relationship
    • It’s the fuel that drives the engine
    • Stop focusing on everything else
    • Look in the mirror, the only thing you can control is your own thoughts, emotions, and actions
  • When we blame
    • We become the victim, and victims simply don’t win relationally
    • It causes defensiveness
    • Stops the change process
    • Builds animosity
• A hero’s actions
  • Don’t apologize, but take responsibility
  • “What I’ve realized is how I hurt you by…”
  • Do for her what you wish she was doing for you
  • Never quit

These questions should really help you heat things up during your date night!

1. What would be the most fun way to get you excited about being intimate with me?
2. Fill in the blank...when I _______ you get the most turned on.
3. Is there anything you would like to try in the bedroom we haven't yet?
4. What's your favorite thing I wear that turns you on?
5. What is the best way to flirt with you?

• If you’re listening to this show, you might know of what we speak. “That’ll do Donkey...that’ll do.” Shrek
• You’ve blown it, now what?
  • Accept the consequences of your actions
  • Take ownership of your part only
  • Respond with humility
• The Humble Hero
  • Rocky 3 is a great example of humility.
  • James 4:6: "God opposes the proud, but gives grace to the humble."
  • Humility is getting back on God’s side.
  • Admit that you’re wrong
  • Be willing to learn and grow
  • God has a promise to humility (Isaiah 66:2) that we will be blessed when humbled
• Is like Jesus
  • He came to serve...so you serve
  • He came as a sacrifice...so you sacrifice
  • He was dependent on God...so be dependent on God
• The pitfall of pride
  • Stop telling her how you’ve changed and you’re a new man...show her!
  • Respect her boundaries, that’s the true sign you’re changing
  • If her heart is closed, the last thing you can do is close your heart.
• A hero’s actions
  • ...

This is a special edition of conversation starters that I'm calling...the Superhero Edition!  If you can't laugh at some of these, then I just don't know how to help. =]

1. What superhero would you want to be?
2. In our relationship, what might be similar to Superman's kryptonite?
3. If you could have your own planet, what would you name it?
4. If you could have any super power, what would it be?

• How you lost her in the first place
  • Unresolved anger and conflict
  • You were pushing her buttons AND reacting poorly to your buttons being pushed
  • The Conflict Dance
    • How you break the dance
      • Take responsibility on how you react
    • Don’t…
      • Escalate
      • Avoid
      • Dishonor
      • Negative belief
      • These are all the actions of a selfish person
    • Do…
      • Validate
      • Listen
      • Understand
      • Sacrifice
      • These are all the actions of a hero
  • Each subsequent show will give you honoring ways to react
  • A hero’s actions
    • Identify your dance
    • Understand your core buttons
    • Choose to start responding like a hero

Sometimes it is the simple questions that help you learn the most about each other.  When you begin discovering what makes each other tick...things heat up!

1. What do you want to do when you retire?
2. What is your favorite book?
3. What’s another career that you think you would love?
4. What’s your favorite memory with your mom?
5. What’s your favorite memory with your dad?

Today we start a special series on The Hero’s Guide To Winning Back Your Wife. It’s based on a new book I’m writing with my brother-in-law Roger Gibson for men who want to build the marriage of their dreams.

Get that spark back with these questions for your next date night!

1. What was the very first thing you thought about me?
2. What is your favorite thing I ever did for a special occasion for you?
3. What is something I could do to make you trust me even more?
4. When do you feel the most protected and taken care of?
5. What did you learn about marriage from your parents?

You really can have a fun date night when you have creative questions to ask each other!  Whether you're going out to dinner or simply stealing a moment for yourselves after getting the kids to bed...try out these questions:

1. What is your favorite memory of dating me?
2. What food reminds you of me?
3. When was the last time you thought about me in a positive way?
4. What is your favorite thing that I do for you?
5. What movie reminds you of us?