Asking the all powerful question – Hero’s Guide to Winning Back Your Wife

We’ve landed on the seventh week in our series, The Hero’s Guide to Winning Back Your Wife. Today’s show could possibly be the most important of the entire series because you are going to learn the one question you have to ask. If you don’t ask this question, you’ll likely lose your wife. If you ask the question, and don’t follow through…well…let’s just say your hero’s journey could be over for sure.

SHOW NOTES

  • Ask the all powerful question
  • “What can I do to repair the damage I’ve caused in our relationship?”
  • This is your greatest roadmap to recovery
    • It will validate her
    • You will be received as a servant
  • Follow through or kill the relationship
    • If you don’t follow her roadmap, you can kiss the relationship goodbye
    • It’s like setting off an atom bomb
    • It will confirm her worst negative beliefs about you
  • What could possibly cause you not to follow through?
    • Pride, arrogance, selfishness
    • ...
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How a real man seeks forgiveness

  • The key strategies to seeking forgiveness are
    • Adjust your expectations of her response
    • Own the damage (which you’ve already learned about in the show “It starts with you”)
    • Be soft in both words and actions
    • Whatever you do, don’t say “I’m sorry”
    • Don’t shy away from the really hard stuff
    • Take it on the chin if need be
  • What if your wife reacts poorly?
    • Just exactly what were you expecting?
    • Allow her the right to be upset and reject your seeking of forgiveness
    • Make sure she knows your “door” is always open if she changes her mind
    • Pray and fast on when you should approach her again, but don’t harass her...no matter what
    • Give God the chance to work on her heart, that is not your job
  • A hero’s actions
    • Put some time and prayer in before your initial attempt to seek forgiveness
    • Say something like, “I know that I hurt you deeply when I (insert your ownership here).  It was wrong and I’d like to ask...
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Why she's always right

  • What your wife wants most is to be validated
  • “You’re right…”
    • Validating someone’s feelings is first accepting someone’s feelings and then acknowledging and accepting the other person’s unique identity and individuality. Validation says, “You are more important to me than proving myself right or proving you wrong.”
    • Whether you agree or not.
    • Does not matter what you think or believe, because her feelings are her feelings...which makes them a reality regardless of truth or facts.
    • It’s not about the nail.

  • Validating statements
    • “I hear you’re upset by what I said, instead of being funny it sounds like I was really hurtful, is that right?”
    • “I hear that what I said to you really hurt your feelings. What can I do to make it right?”
    • Validation is not agreeing, it’s simply allowing your wife to be who she is, faults and all.
  • If you don’t validate her
    • You’ll convince her...
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It starts with you

  • It starts with you
    • Personal responsibility is at the heart of every healthy relationship
      • It’s the fuel that drives the engine
      • Stop focusing on everything else
      • Look in the mirror, the only thing you can control is your own thoughts, emotions, and actions
    • When we blame
      • We become the victim, and victims simply don’t win relationally
      • It causes defensiveness
      • Stops the change process
      • Builds animosity
  • A hero’s actions
    • Don’t apologize, but take responsibility
    • “What I’ve realized is how I hurt you by…”
    • Do for her what you wish she was doing for you
    • Never quit
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The sexy edition of date night conversation starters

These questions should really help you heat things up during your date night!

  1. What would be the most fun way to get you excited about being intimate with me?
  2. Fill in the blank...when I _______ you get the most turned on.
  3. Is there anything you would like to try in the bedroom we haven't yet?
  4. What's your favorite thing I wear that turns you on?
  5. What is the best way to flirt with you?
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Every hero has been humbled

  • If you’re listening to this show, you might know of what we speak. “That’ll do Donkey...that’ll do.” Shrek
  • You’ve blown it, now what?
    • Accept the consequences of your actions
    • Take ownership of your part only
    • Respond with humility
  • The Humble Hero
    • Rocky 3 is a great example of humility.
    • James 4:6: "God opposes the proud, but gives grace to the humble."
    • Humility is getting back on God’s side.
    • Admit that you’re wrong
    • Be willing to learn and grow
    • God has a promise to humility (Isaiah 66:2) that we will be blessed when humbled
  • Is like Jesus
    • He came to serve...so you serve
    • He came as a sacrifice...so you sacrifice
    • He was dependent on God...so be dependent on God
  • The pitfall of pride
    • Stop telling her how you’ve changed and you’re a new man...show her!
    • Respect her boundaries, that’s the true sign you’re changing
    • If her heart is closed, the last thing you can do is close your heart.
  • A hero’s actions
    • ...
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What superhero would you want to be

This is a special edition of conversation starters that I'm calling...the Superhero Edition!  If you can't laugh at some of these, then I just don't know how to help. =]

  1. What superhero would you want to be?
  2. In our relationship, what might be similar to Superman's kryptonite?
  3. If you could have your own planet, what would you name it?
  4. If you could have any super power, what would it be?
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How you lost her in the first place

  • How you lost her in the first place
    • Unresolved anger and conflict
    • You were pushing her buttons AND reacting poorly to your buttons being pushed
    • The Conflict Dance
      • How you break the dance
        • Take responsibility on how you react
      • Don’t…
        • Escalate
        • Avoid
        • Dishonor
        • Negative belief
        • These are all the actions of a selfish person
      • Do…
        • Validate
        • Listen
        • Understand
        • Sacrifice
        • These are all the actions of a hero
    • Each subsequent show will give you honoring ways to react
    • A hero’s actions
      • Identify your dance
      • Understand your core buttons
      • Choose to start responding like a hero
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What do you want to do when you retire?

Sometimes it is the simple questions that help you learn the most about each other.  When you begin discovering what makes each other tick...things heat up!

  1. What do you want to do when you retire?
  2. What is your favorite book?
  3. What’s another career that you think you would love?
  4. What’s your favorite memory with your mom?
  5. What’s your favorite memory with your dad?
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Who's your daddy? Hero's Guide to Winning Back Your Wife

Today we start a special series on The Hero’s Guide To Winning Back Your Wife. It’s based on a new book I’m writing with my brother-in-law Roger Gibson for men who want to build the marriage of their dreams.

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