When's the last time you really hugged someone?

Not the side-hug-pat-on-the-back thing you do at church. Not the quick squeeze on your way out the door. Not the awkward embrace where you're already pulling away before you've even made contact.

I mean a real hug. The kind where you hold on for a few seconds. Where you actually feel the other person. Where you're not already thinking about what's next.

If you're like most people, it's been a while.

We've gotten weird about hugging. We're busy. We're distracted. We're checking our phones while we walk through the door. We've reduced physical affection to a quick transaction—a box to check before moving on to the next thing.

And it's costing us more than we realize.

Because hugs aren't just nice. They're actually changing your brain chemistry, your stress levels, your immune system, and your relationships.

Let me explain.

What Happens in Your Body When You Hug

When you hug someone—really hug them—your body releases a hormone called oxytocin. You might have heard it called "the love hormone" or "the bonding hormone."

Oxytocin is powerful stuff. It influences social interaction, builds trust, creates feelings of connection, and acts as an antidote to depression. It's the same hormone released during sex, childbirth, and breastfeeding. It's literally the chemical that bonds humans together.

And you can get a hit of it just by hugging someone for ten seconds.

But that's not all that's happening.

When someone touches you, pressure receptors in your skin called Pacinian corpuscles (I know, fun name) send signals to your vagus nerve. Your vagus nerve then tells your brain to lower your blood pressure and calm your heart rate.

In other words, a hug is basically telling your nervous system: "You're safe. You can relax. Everything is okay."

A full-body hug stimulates your entire nervous system while simultaneously decreasing loneliness, combating fear, increasing self-esteem, defusing tension, and showing appreciation.

All of that. From a hug.

And we're out here giving each other rushed side-hugs like we're late for a meeting.

The Science Is Actually Ridiculous

I went down a rabbit hole on hug research, and honestly, it's almost absurd how many benefits there are.

A study at the University of North Carolina found that people who hugged their partners had heart rates five beats per minute lower than those who didn't get any physical contact. That might not sound like much, but over a lifetime, that's significant heart health.

Research published in Psychological Science found that hugging—even hugging a teddy bear—helps soothe existential fears and reduce worry about mortality. (So if you still sleep with a stuffed animal, science has your back.)

An Emory University study found that babies who receive more physical affection grow into adults who handle stress better. The way you hug your kids now is literally shaping how their nervous systems will function for the rest of their lives.

Cuddling boosts your immune system. It releases dopamine. It reduces social anxiety. It relieves physical pain.

A ten-second hug can lower your risk of heart disease, fight infections, reduce stress, combat fatigue, and ease depression.

Ten seconds. That's it.

And yet most of us can't be bothered.

Why We've Stopped Hugging

Here's what I've noticed in my work with couples: physical affection is usually one of the first things to go when a relationship gets stressed.

You're exhausted from work. You're frustrated with each other. You're running kids to seventeen different activities. You're sleeping in the same bed but living in different worlds.

And somewhere along the way, you stopped touching each other.

Not just sexually—though that often disappears too. I mean all of it. The casual touches. The hand on the back. The hug when you walk through the door. The physical presence that says "I see you, I'm here, we're connected."

It makes sense. When you're hurt or angry or disconnected, the last thing you want to do is be physically close to the person causing those feelings.

But here's the cruel irony: the thing you least want to do is often the thing that would help the most.

Touch releases oxytocin. Oxytocin builds trust and connection. Trust and connection heal relationships.

You can talk about your problems for hours. You can read books and go to therapy and have long, exhausting conversations about your feelings. All of that matters.

But sometimes what you really need is a ten-second hug.

The Awkwardness Is Real

I get it. Hugging can feel awkward, especially if you haven't done it in a while.

Most people lead with their right arm when going in for a hug. But when there's strong emotion involved—positive or negative—you tend to lead with your left side, which is controlled by the emotional right side of your brain. This is why emotional hugs sometimes turn into that weird collision where you can't figure out which way to go.

And if you've been distant from your spouse for months, suddenly walking up and hugging them feels vulnerable. Exposed. Like you're admitting something.

Good. That's exactly right.

Vulnerability is the point. Admitting you need connection is the point. Breaking through the distance, even when it's uncomfortable, is the point.

The first hug might feel weird. Do it anyway.

What If Physical Affection Wasn't Your Family's Thing?

Some of us grew up in homes where hugging wasn't normal. Physical affection was awkward at best, absent at worst. You didn't see your parents embrace. You didn't get held when you were scared.

That wires something into you. It makes touch feel foreign, maybe even threatening. You might intellectually know that hugging is good for you, but your body tenses up every time someone gets close.

If that's you, I want you to know two things.

First, it's not your fault. You learned what you were taught. Your nervous system adapted to the environment you grew up in. There's no shame in that.

Second, you can rewire it. Slowly. Gently. With safe people who will be patient with you.

This might mean starting small—a hand on the shoulder, a brief embrace, gradually working up to longer holds as your body learns that touch is safe.

Your spouse needs to know this about you. They need to understand that your resistance to physical affection isn't about them—it's about what you learned long before you met them. And you need their patience as you learn a new way of being.

It's never too late to become someone who hugs.

A Challenge for Your Relationship

Here's what I want you to try.

For the next week, hug your spouse for at least ten seconds every day. Not a quick squeeze. A real, full-body, hold-on-and-breathe kind of hug.

I know ten seconds doesn't sound like much. But try it. Count in your head. It's longer than you think.

At first, it might feel awkward. You might laugh nervously. You might want to pull away early. That's fine. Stay with it.

Something happens around the eight-second mark. Your nervous systems start to sync up. The oxytocin kicks in. The walls come down just a little.

Do it when you wake up. Do it when you get home from work. Do it before a hard conversation. Do it for no reason at all.

Ten seconds a day. That's all I'm asking.

And while you're at it, hug your kids. Research says well-hugged children become less stressed adults. You're not just making them feel good right now—you're shaping how their brains will handle difficulty for the rest of their lives.

That's a pretty good return on a ten-second investment.

The Simplest Thing You're Not Doing

We make relationships so complicated. We read books and attend seminars and analyze our attachment styles and process our childhood trauma. All of that matters. I've built my career on helping people do that deep work.

But sometimes we forget the simple stuff.

Like hugging.

Like actually touching the person you love with intention and presence instead of rushing past them on your way to the next thing.

Your body was designed for connection. Your nervous system craves it. Your brain rewards it with feel-good hormones that improve literally every aspect of your health.

And all you have to do is hold on for ten seconds.

So tonight, when you see your spouse, don't just say hi. Don't just give them the quick pat-and-release.

Stop. Look at them. Pull them close. And hold on.

Feel their heartbeat. Feel yours slow down. Feel the stress of the day start to melt.

Ten seconds.

That's the habit that could transform your relationship.

Ready to deepen your connection in every area of your relationship? Check out my online courses at smalleyinstitute.com or reach out about coaching.

You can also text me at (303) 435-2630  or email [email protected] if you need help figuring out next steps.

When's the last time you really hugged someone you love? What would change if you made it a daily habit? Share in the comments—your experience might inspire someone else to start holding on a little longer.