"How long do I have to wait for him to change?"

Sarah had been married for 23 years. Twenty-three years of hoping her husband would become more emotionally expressive. More romantic. More engaged with family life.

Twenty-three years of marriage books, counseling sessions, conversations that started with "I need you to understand..." and ended in frustration.

Twenty-three years of waiting for change that never came.

"I've tried everything," she said, exhausted. "I've been patient. I've been direct. I've given him space. I've pushed harder. Nothing works. He's exactly the same as the day I married him."

She paused. "So what do I do? Just... give up? Accept that this is as good as it gets?"

I could hear the despair in her voice. And I knew exactly what she needed to hear—but also knew it would be hard to accept:

"Sarah, you've been waiting for your husband to change for over two decades. What if the person who needs to change... is you?"

The Exhausting Wait That's Destroying Your Marriage

If you've been married for more than a few years, you know the frustration:

Your spouse has a trait, a habit, a pattern that drives you absolutely crazy.

Maybe they're:

• Chronically messy while you crave order
• Terrible with money while you're a natural saver
• Quick to anger while you avoid conflict at all costs
• Emotionally reserved while you need verbal affirmation
• Always late while punctuality is your religion
• Content with "good enough" while you strive for excellence

And you've tried everything to get them to change.

You've had calm conversations and heated arguments. You've read books together and gone to counseling. You've tried being understanding and you've tried ultimatums.

And nothing has worked.

So you wait. And wait. And wait.

Surely if you just find the right approach, say the right words, wait long enough, pray hard enough... they'll finally change.

But here's what I've learned after 30 years of doing marriage intensives:

They're probably not going to change. At least not in the way you're hoping.

And the sooner you accept that, the sooner you can actually have a good marriage.

The Research That Will Either Devastate or Free You

Dr. John Gottman's research on successful marriages revealed something shocking:

69% of marital problems are perpetual. They will NEVER be resolved.

Read that again. 69%. More than two-thirds.

That means the majority of what you're fighting about, hoping will change, waiting to be different... won't be.

Not because your spouse is stubborn or doesn't love you enough.

But because these issues are rooted in fundamental personality differences, family-of-origin patterns, and deeply ingrained ways of being in the world.

Your spouse isn't going to suddenly become neat if they've been messy for 40 years.

They're not going to magically become emotionally expressive if they've spent their entire life being reserved.

They're not going to transform into a saver if spending has always felt natural to them.

These are perpetual issues. And you have two choices:

You can spend the next 20 years exhausting yourself trying to change the unchangeable.

Or you can learn to let go.

The Difference Between Perpetual Issues and Dealbreakers

Now, before you panic and think I'm saying "accept everything and become a doormat," let me be crystal clear:

Not everything should be let go.

There's a massive difference between perpetual issues and dealbreakers.

Perpetual issues are personality differences, preferences, and patterns that:

• Don't threaten anyone's safety
• Don't violate the core agreements of your marriage (fidelity, commitment, respect)
• Annoy you but don't damage you
• Have existed for decades and aren't changing

Examples:

• Different tidiness standards
• Different spending styles (within reason)
• Different communication styles
• Different social needs (introvert/extrovert)
• Different approaches to parenting (within reason)
• Different expressions of affection

These are the issues where I want to yell in marriage intensives: "For the love of all things holy, NO ONE IS GOING TO DIE if this doesn't change! Let it go already!"

(I don't actually yell that. But I think it. Loudly.)

Dealbreakers, on the other hand, are issues that:

• Threaten safety (physical, emotional, financial)
• Violate marriage vows (infidelity, abandonment)
• Involve active addiction or abuse
• Make the relationship fundamentally untenable

Examples:

• Ongoing affairs
• Physical or emotional abuse
• Active untreated addiction
• Financial betrayal (gambling away savings, secret debt)
• Consistent contempt or cruelty

Dealbreakers require addressing. They might require separation. They might end the marriage.

Perpetual issues require letting go.

And most of what couples fight about? Perpetual issues they're treating like dealbreakers.

The Question That Changes Everything

Here's the litmus test I use in marriage intensives:

"Is this issue going to cause someone to die?"

Seriously. Is anyone going to die if your spouse:

• Leaves dishes in the sink?
• Interrupts your stories?
• Expresses affection differently than you do?
• Has a different parenting approach?
• Prefers spending Saturday differently than you?

If the answer is no, it's time to let it go.

I know that feels dismissive. Like I'm minimizing your legitimate frustration.

But here's what I'm actually saying: You've been pouring energy into changing something that's not going to change, and that misplaced energy is destroying your marriage.

What if you redirected that energy into something that might actually help?

What Sarah Discovered When She Finally Let Go

Sarah was resistant at first. "So I'm just supposed to accept that he'll never be emotionally expressive? That's the marriage I'm stuck with?"

"No," I said. "You're supposed to grieve the marriage you thought you'd have, and then decide if you can build a good marriage with the person you actually married."

That hit her hard.

Because she'd been so focused on trying to change him into the husband she wanted, she hadn't actually been married to the husband she had.

She'd been married to her disappointment. To her expectations. To her frustration.

But not to him.

So we did something radical: We made a list of every perpetual issue she'd been trying to change for 23 years.

• His emotional reserve
• His lack of romantic gestures
• His preference for time alone
• His practical rather than emotional communication style

Then I asked her: "Which of these is actually hurting you versus just disappointing you?"

She thought for a long time. "None of them are actually hurting me. They're just... not what I wanted."

"Okay," I said. "So what if you stopped trying to change these things? What if you grieved that he's not the emotionally expressive romantic you hoped for... and then asked yourself what kind of good marriage you COULD have with who he actually is?"

The Shift From Changing to Accepting

Over the next few months, Sarah did the hardest work of her marriage:

She let go.

Not of her husband. Not of her marriage.

Of her expectation that he would become someone he wasn't.

Here's what that looked like practically:

Instead of: Constantly asking "What are you thinking? What are you feeling?" and getting frustrated with one-word answers...

She started: Accepting that he processes internally and expresses love through actions rather than words. She stopped demanding verbal affirmation she'd never get and started noticing the ways he actually showed love (fixing things, making her coffee, planning finances).

Instead of: Feeling hurt that he didn't plan romantic surprises...

She started: Appreciating his consistent, reliable presence and occasionally planning things she wanted them to do together.

Instead of: Resenting his need for alone time...

She started: Using that time for friendships, hobbies, and her own interests instead of interpreting it as rejection.

Instead of: Waiting for him to become more social...

She started: Going to social events with friends and letting him join when he wanted to (which was sometimes).

Do you see what happened?

She stopped trying to change him. And in doing so, she changed the entire dynamic of their marriage.

The Paradox: Letting Go Might Create Space for Change

Here's the twist that Sarah didn't expect:

About six months after she stopped pushing for change, her husband started... changing.

Not dramatically. Not into the emotionally expressive romantic she'd imagined.

But he started opening up more. Initiating conversations. Even planning a few surprises.

"What happened?" she asked me, confused. "I stopped trying to change him, and suddenly he's changing?"

"That's the paradox," I said. "When you stop demanding change, you remove the pressure. And sometimes, when people aren't being pushed, they have space to grow."

But here's the crucial part: Sarah didn't let go in order to manipulate him into changing. She let go because she accepted he might never change, and she needed to make peace with that.

The change was a bonus, not the goal.

How to Actually Let Go in Marriage

So how do you let go when you've been fighting for change for years or even decades?

Step 1: Identify What's Perpetual vs. What's a Dealbreaker

Make two lists:

List 1: Perpetual Issues (annoying but not dangerous, been the same forever, personality/preference-based)

List 2: Dealbreakers (threatening safety, violating vows, making marriage untenable)

Be brutally honest: Most of what's on List 1 has probably been misplaced on List 2 in your mind.

Step 2: Grieve the Marriage You'll Never Have

This is the step people skip, and it's why they can't move forward.

You need to actually grieve:

• The emotionally expressive partner you wanted
• The tidy home you'll never have
• The social butterfly who would've loved hosting parties with you
• The romantic who would've written you love letters

These griefs are real. Let yourself feel them.

You can't let go of expectations until you've mourned them.

Step 3: Ask "Is Anyone Going to Die?"

For every perpetual issue on your list, ask:

"Is this going to cause someone to die?"

If no: Let it go.

If yes: It's probably not a perpetual issue—it's a dealbreaker that needs addressing.

Step 4: Redirect Your Energy

All that energy you've been spending trying to change your spouse?

Redirect it into:

• Building connection around what you DO share
• Developing your own interests and friendships
• Noticing what your spouse IS giving you rather than what they're not
• Managing your own disappointment rather than making it their problem

Step 5: Accept That This Might Not Feel Fair

"But why should I have to be the one who changes? Why should I have to accept them as they are when they won't do the same for me?"

Because you're the one who's miserable. You're the one who's been waiting for decades. You're the one who has the power to change your experience of the marriage.

You can't control whether they change. You can only control whether you keep exhausting yourself trying.

Is it fair? Maybe not.

But is it effective? Absolutely.

What About the Issues That Actually Matter?

"But what if the issue isn't just annoying—what if it's genuinely harmful?"

Then it's not a perpetual issue. It's a dealbreaker. And dealbreakers require different action:

For dealbreakers:

• Set clear boundaries (not demands)
• Seek professional help
• Separate if necessary for safety
• Accept that the marriage might not survive

But most couples aren't fighting about dealbreakers. They're fighting about perpetual issues they've escalated into marriage-ending conflicts.

They're threatening divorce over dishes. Over punctuality. Over different parenting styles.

And in doing so, they're missing the actual marriage they could be having.

The Truth About Letting Go in Marriage

Here's what I've learned after three decades of marriage work:

The couples who make it aren't the ones where both people magically become who their partner wanted.

They're the couples who learn to let go of who they thought they married and actually love who they did marry.

They're the couples who:

• Stop fighting about whether the toilet paper roll goes over or under
• Accept that one person will always be early and one will always be late
• Quit trying to force an introvert to love parties or an extrovert to enjoy quiet nights
• Release the expectation that their spouse will meet every need

They learn to ask: "Can I build a good life with this person as they actually are?"

And if the answer is yes, they let go of everything else.

The Question That Will Change Your Marriage

Here's the question I want you to sit with this week:

"What am I still trying to change about my spouse that's never going to change... and what would happen if I let it go?"

Be specific. Name the perpetual issue you've been fighting about for years.

Then ask yourself:

• Is anyone going to die if this doesn't change?
• Is this a perpetual issue or a dealbreaker?
• What am I getting from holding onto this fight?
• What would I have to grieve if I let this go?
• What kind of marriage could I have if I accepted my spouse as they are?

Because here's the truth: You've probably been so busy trying to change your spouse that you haven't actually been married to them.

You've been married to your disappointment. Your expectations. Your frustration.

What if you let that go and actually married the person you're with?

You might discover the marriage you've been looking for has been there all along.

You just couldn't see it because you were too busy trying to change it.

Take the Next Step

Ready to stop exhausting yourself trying to change your spouse? My $17 "Letting Go In Love" course teaches you how to identify perpetual issues, grieve unmet expectations, and build a good marriage with who your spouse actually is. Learn the tools that help couples move from frustration to acceptance without becoming doormats.

Remember: 69% of marital problems are perpetual. They're not going to change. The question isn't whether your spouse will finally become who you wanted. The question is whether you can let go of who you wanted and love who they actually are. That's not settling. That's wisdom.

What perpetual issue have you been fighting about for years? Share in the comments—your honesty might help another exhausted spouse finally let go.