The hidden neurological reason intelligent, motivated couples keep having the same explosive fights—and what to do about it

Sarah and David sat across from me in my office, both exhausted and confused. In five years of marriage, they had been to four different therapists, attended three marriage retreats, read every relationship book they could find, and maintained a weekly date night religiously.

"We really love each other," Sarah said, tears in her eyes. "But I don't understand why we keep exploding over the stupidest things."

David nodded, running his hands through his hair. "Last week we got into a screaming match because I asked when dinner would be ready. The week before, it was because she sighed when I walked in the door. These aren't big issues, but somehow they turn into World War III."

"We've tried everything," Sarah continued. "Communication techniques, conflict resolution skills, love languages—you name it. But nothing sticks. One moment everything's fine, and the next moment everything's crazy."

Sound familiar?

If you're an intelligent, motivated couple who has tried every marriage improvement strategy available and you're still stuck in cycles of explosive conflict over minor issues, something crucial is probably not being addressed.

Much of the time, what's not being addressed is unresolved trauma.

"But We Don't Have Trauma"

I know what you're thinking: "We don't have trauma. We weren't abused or in combat or anything like that."

Here's what I've learned after 30+ years of relationship work: trauma isn't just the big, obvious things.

At its simplest, trauma is any experience that overwhelmed your ability to cope. This might be because:

• The experience was scary, violating, or threatening
• It happened when you were young or vulnerable
• It was a repeated experience
• It occurred alongside other stressful events
• It reminded you of past difficult experiences

Many people who have experienced trauma feel like it "wasn't that big of a deal" or say "it's in the past" or "it doesn't affect me today."

The truth is: unresolved trauma IS affecting you today.

And nowhere does it show up more clearly than in intimate relationships.

The Day Everything Made Sense

Summer 2019. I was in the middle of my own healing journey, working through patterns that had been destroying my relationships for decades. After a particularly powerful session with an Internal Family Systems expert in Colorado Springs, I felt like I had made some breakthrough discoveries about my own self-destructive patterns.

That evening, my best friend called me out of the blue.

"Hey, I felt like the Holy Spirit was prompting me to send you something," he said. "I just read this article about how unresolved trauma affects relationships, and I kept thinking about our conversation last week."

Within minutes, a PDF landed in my email: "Five Ways Unresolved Trauma May Be Derailing Your Relationship."

As I read it, everything clicked.

The patterns I had been calling "communication issues" or "personality conflicts" or just "being difficult"—they weren't character flaws. They were trauma responses.

My tendency to freeze up and shut down during conflict? Trauma response.

The way small disagreements would spiral into relationship-ending fights? Trauma response.

My self-destructive behaviors when things got stressful? Trauma response.

For the first time, I understood why I had been stuck in the same destructive cycles despite years of trying different approaches. I wasn't dealing with the real issue.

Your Brain on High Alert

Here's what happens neurologically when unresolved trauma is affecting your relationships:

Everyone has what experts call a "window of tolerance"—an optimal range where you can handle life's stresses and still respond thoughtfully instead of reactively.

But trauma shrinks that window.

When you're operating within your window of tolerance, you can have a disagreement with your spouse and work through it calmly. You might be frustrated or hurt, but you can still think clearly and respond appropriately.

When you get pushed outside that window, your nervous system goes into survival mode:

Fight Response: You get loud, aggressive, argumentative. Your heart races, muscles tense, and you feel flooded with anger. Everything in you wants to win the argument and prove you're right.

Flight Response: You want to escape, leave the room, or change the subject. You might get busy with other tasks or find excuses to avoid the conversation entirely.

Freeze Response: You shut down emotionally. You're physically present but mentally checked out. Your partner experiences you as distant, cold, or unresponsive.

Here's the key insight: When you're in survival mode, you're not responding to your partner anymore. You're responding to a perceived threat that may not even be real.

The Tiger in Your Living Room

Imagine you're sitting on your couch with your spouse when suddenly a tiger walks into the room. What would happen?

You wouldn't take time to process the situation or think through your options. Your nervous system would immediately activate to protect you. This response would be automatic, involuntary, and completely appropriate.

Now here's what happens with unresolved trauma: sometimes your nervous system reacts to your spouse like they're a tiger in your living room.

A simple eye roll, heavy sigh, or change in tone can trigger your survival response. Before you know it, you're fighting for your life over who forgot to take out the trash.

Your body is trying to protect you from a danger that isn't actually there.

Why This Happens to Good People

Sarah and David weren't bad people. They weren't selfish or mean-spirited. They genuinely loved each other and wanted their marriage to work.

But Sarah had grown up in a home where her father's unpredictable anger meant she never felt safe. Her nervous system learned early that raised voices meant danger, so David's frustrated tone when asking about dinner triggered her into fight-or-flight mode.

David had been repeatedly criticized and belittled by his mother, so Sarah's sigh when he walked in the door felt like an attack on his competence. His trauma response was to get defensive and prove he wasn't the failure his mother had convinced him he was.

Neither of them was responding to what was actually happening in the present moment. They were responding to old wounds that had never properly healed.

The Three Signs You Might Be Dealing With Trauma

1. Your reactions feel bigger than the situation warrants
You know you're overreacting, but you can't seem to stop yourself. A minor issue becomes a relationship crisis.

2. You keep having the same fights over different things
The topics change (dishes, money, in-laws, schedules), but the pattern is always the same. One person escalates, the other shuts down, and nobody feels heard.

3. Traditional relationship advice doesn't stick
You've learned communication skills, but in the heat of the moment, everything goes out the window. You know what you "should" do, but your body won't cooperate.

If this describes your relationship, you're not broken. Your nervous system is just trying to protect you from dangers that no longer exist.

Knowledge Is Power

The most important thing I learned from that PDF my friend sent wasn't just that trauma was affecting my relationships—it was that there was actually something I could do about it.

For years, I thought I was just "difficult" or "overly sensitive" or "bad at relationships." Learning about trauma responses gave me something I had never had before: an explanation that led to hope.

You can't heal what you won't acknowledge.

Understanding that my destructive patterns were survival mechanisms—not character flaws—changed everything. It meant I wasn't fundamentally broken. It meant there were specific tools and approaches that could help.

It meant I could get better.

Your Brain Can Learn New Patterns

Here's the beautiful truth about trauma: your brain is designed to heal.

The same neuroplasticity that allowed trauma to affect your system can be used to create new, healthier patterns. But it requires the right kind of help.

Traditional talk therapy often isn't enough because trauma gets stored in your body, not just your mind. You need approaches that help your nervous system learn it's safe to stay calm during conflict.

This is specialized work that requires trauma-informed support.

What Sarah and David Discovered

Six months after starting trauma-focused work, Sarah and David had transformed their relationship. They still had disagreements—every couple does—but they no longer escalated into explosive conflicts.

"I can actually think during our disagreements now," David told me. "Instead of just reacting, I can pause and ask myself: 'Am I responding to Sarah, or am I responding to my old stuff?'"

Sarah learned to recognize when her fight-or-flight response was kicking in. "Now I can say, 'I'm feeling triggered right now. Can we take a break and come back to this in a few minutes?' It's completely changed how we handle conflict."

They didn't just learn new communication techniques. They addressed the underlying trauma responses that were hijacking their ability to communicate.

Your Next Step: Stop Fighting Symptoms and Address the Cause

If you recognize your relationship in this article, you're not alone and you're not hopeless.

Millions of people are walking around with trauma responses they don't even recognize. The explosive fights, the emotional shutdowns, the feeling like you're going crazy over small things—there's a neurological reason for all of it.

But here's what I've learned: knowledge alone isn't enough. You need someone who understands trauma's impact on relationships and can help you develop new patterns.

This is exactly why I created my trauma-informed personal coaching program.

In our work together, we'll:

• Help you identify your specific trauma responses
• Understand what's really happening in your nervous system during conflicts
• Learn practical tools to stay within your window of tolerance
• Address the underlying wounds that keep getting triggered
• Create new patterns that support connection instead of conflict

This isn't traditional marriage counseling. This is getting to the root of why nothing else has worked.

A Personal Invitation

If you're tired of having the same explosive fights over minor issues, if you've tried everything and nothing seems to stick, if you suspect there might be something deeper going on—I want to personally help you figure this out.

I'm offering free 30-minute consultations where we can explore whether unresolved trauma might be affecting your relationship. This isn't a sales call—it's me, personally, helping you understand what's really happening and what kind of support would help most.

Because here's what I know from my own journey: sometimes we make poor choices just to survive. But we can learn to make better choices.

We need to keep leaning into God and stay open to whatever it takes to find healing and freedom through Christ. If one approach doesn't help, we look for a different approach and keep working until we find something that works.

Your relationship doesn't have to stay stuck in these cycles.

Take Action Today

Ready to understand what's really happening in your conflicts?

1. Pay attention this week - Notice when your reactions feel bigger than the situation warrants
2. Ask yourself: "Am I responding to what's happening now, or am I responding to old pain?"
3. Schedule your free consultation to explore whether trauma might be a factor in your relationship patterns

SCHEDULE YOUR FREE CONSULTATION →

Remember: You're not broken, difficult, or doomed to keep having the same fights forever. Your nervous system is just trying to protect you. With the right support, you can learn new patterns that create safety and connection instead of conflict and chaos.

Have you recognized trauma responses in your own relationship? Leave a comment and share what clicked for you—your insight might help another couple finally understand what's been happening to them.