The art of freedom from hurt

Have you ever gotten your feelings hurt by someone’s words or actions? Of course you have! Which is why today is so important for you. Whenever you experience things like Character assassinations, Threats of abandonment, Threats of exile, Invalidations, and Preaching...there’s actually something you can do in the moment to help you not take it so personally. That’s what we’ve got going on today for you on SMR.

Distraction of the Day:

What’s the most obnoxious thing a mother-in-law could do regarding hosting a family Christmas meal? I honestly don’t know what your reaction will be to this one, which honestly makes me feel very nervous =] because it feels like I should know what your thoughts would be on this one, if I was a better husband.

Honoring News of the Day:

Good News in History, December 4 - Good News Network

103 years ago today, Henry Ford launched a ‘Peace Ship’ during World War I sailing toward Europe ”to get the boys out of the trenches by Christmas.” Ford chartered the ocean liner Oscar II and invited prominent peace activists to join him, hoping to create enough publicity to prompt the belligerent nations to convene a peace conference and mediate an end to the Great War. An outbreak of influenza aboard the ship, mockery from the press, and infighting among the activists led the auto manufacturer to abandoned the mission once it reached Norway—but it forever cemented Ford’s reputation as a supporter of underdog causes… (1915)

Ford asserted that the Peace Ship’s expedition was successful on the grounds that it stimulated discussions about peace—and the press, upon his return, mostly agreed. The New York Herald asserted that, “We need more Fords, more peace talks, and less indifference to the greatest crime in the world’s history”.

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How do you respond when someone says or does hurtful things? Author Randi Gunther wrote, “Hostile remarks fall into the following six categories: Character assassinations, Threats of abandonment, Threats of exile, Invalidations, Challenges, and Preaching.”

“As human beings, we affect each other. We’re not immune to feeling injured when a friend or loved one sears us with a dismissive comment. But how we relate to our feelings and understand the situation can make the difference between wallowing in misery and moving on.” John Amodeo (The Art of Not Taking Things So Personally: Responding versus reacting when someone is upset with you.)

Remember...you don’t control other people. However, you can control your response or reaction to people. Don’t forget that if someone is mistreating you, it says a heck-of-a-lot more about the person than it does about you.

Allow yourself the freedom to “release” other people. Releasing is good, avoiding is bad.

We talk about timeouts all the time on this show, it could be the most important skill or choice you have to build a healthy relationship. Sometimes the timeout could just be a quick pause, followed by some questions:

“I wonder what just happened? Clearly I triggered something. What might it be? Lord, is there something I need to be aware of in this moment? Something I need to take responsibility for?”

These kinds of thoughts might lead you to apologizing or taking responsibility. “I totally blew it earlier...How can I repair?”

When taking a moment to pause and ask questions, you might also realize your lover, friend, or family member has had a bad day or it’s a reaction to a childhood-sized button.

“Backing off from blaming ourselves or our partner gives us some space from a situation. We listen openly and non-defensively without taking it so personally. We maintain our boundaries rather than immediately sink into a shame pit or react in a defensive, snarky way. We hold our own feelings and their feelings with more spaciousness, while exploring together what just happened.” John Amodeo

 

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