The Reluctant Missionary

Authentic stories from the travels of Michael Smalley.

Should you lie - Intimacy Intelligence

intimacy intelligence marriage sexual intimacy Dec 10, 2018

It’s going to be a week for intimacy! Four shows all under the heading of, Intimacy Intelligence. On today’s show, do you really have to be totally honest with your spouse?

Distraction of the Day:

Amy...the following three things are possible reasons why a Nebraska Principal is now on administrative leave, can you guess which one it is?

  1. She banned candy
  2. She was caught eating cockroaches
  3. She hosted a kegger for 10th grade class during school hours

Honoring News of the Day:

Mom Stops To Help 'Big Hairy Tatted Up' Biker And Uses Her Last Bit Of Change

Upcoming Event:

Book us for a date night or weekend Comedy of Love event. 

Transform Your Marriage in 31 Days for only $31 dollars! We took the guesswork out of "what can help" and created for you an experience where we "drip" our most important education, devotions, and date night inspiration to you each week.

Leave a review and subscribe to the podcast.

Call us at (903) 392-0975 and leave a voicemail question or review.

Deceptive affection - I don’t tell you the whole truth because I’m trying not to hurt you.


Obviously, honesty is the best policy! Citing Floyd’s (2006) Affective Exchange Theory (AET) as support, being honest should benefit your relationship, but it can also be risky when it comes to sexual tell-alls.

The price for honesty is too high.

You feel genuine compassion and don’t want to hurt your partner.

There isn’t exactly a safe environment to share openly.

“After many years of self-examination, I must respond that the answer is a carefully qualified, “not always.” Exempting ever using intentional dishonesty to intentionally cheat or betray the other, there is a grey area in every intimate relationship where total honesty and diplomacy conflict or overlap.” Dr. Randi Gunther

Secret vs Private thoughts

“Private thoughts are normal for everyone. But, they have the potential to become a danger to a relationship when their presence is negatively affecting the other or when you are in danger of acting on them without your partner’s knowing. Privacy then becomes secrecy. Secret behavior is anything you hide from your partner that you are going to act on that could cause him or her distress. Any action that would threaten the relationship should be open to a vote from the other partner before it is taken.” Gunther

Just because we get married doesn’t mean we die emotionally or sexually toward other people. There’s no way we should share every single little thing we think unless it becomes a threat to the relationship.

Here are some must share things:

  • An affair
  • Genetically based diseases that could be passed on to your children
  • STI's
  • A former partner who may have a vendetta against you, which could end up harming your spouse as well

Kira Newman has a few great tips on how to be honest without hurting your spouse’s feelings( - my friend Corey Allan):

  1. Pick the right time
  2. Explain your motivation
  3. Choose your language
  4. Focus on solutions, not problems 

Live Virtual Coaching!

Get access to 9 live virtual coaching sessions every month with Dr. Michael Smalley through the VIP Inner Circle membership. You'll have 24/7 digital access to his coaching, a growing video library, tools to improve your communication and intimacy, assessments to guide you on your path to healing, and a supportive community of people who will encourage you as you work toward the relationship you desire.

Learn More