The Reluctant Missionary

Authentic stories from the travels of Michael Smalley.

Do you ever feel controlled?

marriage Oct 27, 2018

“You just don’t understand why I’m right.” “I wish you would try to see this from my perspective.” “Why cant you let me have this one?” If you have ever found yourself thinking or saying any of these phrases, you may want to stay tuned.

Then, at the end of today’s show bc I’m in California I’m going to share something with you that may make you never want to visit Disney ever ever ever again.

We have reached the end of our week which means, today is the very last day to take advantage of our buy one get one free offer on our new book Pursue Oneness. That’s two books for the price of one! This offer is only available at just enter the promo code PURSUE at checkout or follow the link I have convienently provided for you in the podcast description. Pursue Oneness is a book about how sometimes unity in your relationship with your spouse doesn't just happen on it’s own. You need to make it happen. Again, if you purchase this book today at you can get a second copy for FREE with the promo code PURSUE. That’s pursue spelled P.U.R.S.U.E

Show Content:

"Control struggles between partners are often the ruin of a couple. But what is a battle for “control” in the context of a relationship? When I introduce this concept in couple’s therapy, there is usually a negative reaction. It seems to stir up visions of fascism or a power-crazed individual. To me, however, the control process is descriptive of a dynamic in which two partners take an immovable stance on one or more issues deemed important enough to bring them to treatment. The context of this struggle may range from something relatively minor such as the purchasing of a car to the number of children a couple should have." Stephen J Betchen

The following are five consequences of a controlling relationship:

  1. Apathy - the opposite of love
  2. Distrust
  3. Domestic Violence
  4. Wear you down
  5. Disgusted by each other

How do you release control
1 Peter 5:7 - give that stuff over to God "Give all your worries and cares to God, for he cares about you."

  • Show gratitude
  • Increase what you know about yourself - self awareness
  • Accept Jesus' grace

When we think of a controlling relationship, we often think of a dictator running around telling everyone what to do and where to go. However, in most relationships this is simply not the case. Posessing control in a relationship is more of a question of wills than systematic oppression. As the controller, you may not even think you are being controlling; you probably just feel strongly that you are right about something and are unwilling to compromise on it. This my friends is where the danger comes in. Jesus has called us as husbands and wives to submit to one another in everything. If you and your spouse find each other incapable of agreeing on even the smallest things, perhaps it is time to take a look at your own behavior. To change your thinking from “I wish they understood me.” To “How can I understand them?” Once you start looking at your relationship with your spouse as one of sacrifice and service, you will find yourself in a much happier place. You will realize that you don’t always have to be right. If you re-orient your thinking from a place of need to one of service, I promise you will see a marginal difference in your relationship.

A Completely Unrelated Distraction of The Day:

Disney theme parks have ranked among the world’s most popular vacation spots for decades. But for some guests, the resorts are a much more, ahem, permanent place of rest.

Employees at Disneyland in Anaheim, California, and Walt Disney World in Orlando, Florida, tell The Wall Street Journal that the parks have become a favorite spot for visitors to scatter the cremated ashes of their loved ones.

That’s all for today my loyal podcast listeners and hey, don’t forget today is the last day to head over to to take advantage of our amazing buy one get one free offer on our brand new book Pursue Oneness. If you want to learn more about how to be a serving spouse and increase the unity in your relationship, then you would greatly benefit from reading this book. Again, just head over to and enter the promo code PURSUE or follow the link in the podcast description.


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