The exhausting truth about control, and why letting go is the most powerful thing you can do

Rachel came to see me after 15 years of marriage, completely exhausted.

"I've tried everything," she said. "I've sent him articles about emotional intelligence. I've suggested couples therapy multiple times. I've explained calmly why his habits bother me. I've gotten angry and demanding. I've tried the silent treatment. Nothing works."

She looked defeated. "He still leaves his dishes on the counter. He still scrolls his phone during dinner. He still forgets important dates. I feel like I'm married to a teenager who refuses to grow up."

I asked her a simple question: "Is any of this going to cause someone to die?"

The question stopped her cold.

"Well... no. But—"

"But what?" I pressed gently. "Are these habits abusive? Toxic? Causing real harm to you or your children?"

"No," she admitted. "They're just... annoying. Really, really annoying."

Rachel had spent 15 years trying to change her husband's personality quirks and family-of-origin patterns. She was exhausted because she was fighting a battle she could never win.

The Control Trap

Here's what I've learned after 30 years of marriage intensives with an 87% success rate: most relationship misery comes from trying to control things you can't control.

We exhaust ourselves attempting to change:

• Our spouse's personality traits
• Our adult children's life choices
• Our parents' habits and opinions
• Our in-laws' communication style
• Our partner's family-of-origin patterns

And we wonder why our relationships feel like war zones.

The research on perpetual problems in marriage (from Dr. John Gottman) shows that 69% of relationship conflicts are about unsolvable, perpetual issues - differences in personality, values, lifestyle preferences, and family backgrounds.

These aren't problems to be solved. They're differences to be managed.

Yet we keep trying to solve them. We keep thinking, "If I just explain it one more time, find the right words, the perfect article, the most compelling argument—they'll finally change."

They won't. And trying to make them change will destroy your relationship.

Why Control Always Backfires

When you try to control or change someone, several predictable things happen:

1. They Dig In Deeper The more you push for change, the more they resist. It's human nature. Nobody likes being told they need to be different to be acceptable.

2. You Create Resentment on Both Sides They resent being treated like a project. You resent them for not changing. Both people end up feeling unloved and unaccepted.

3. You Lose Your Influence Ironically, the more you try to control people, the less influence you actually have. People don't receive wisdom from those who are trying to change them.

4. You Exhaust Yourself Trying to manage someone else's choices is like trying to hold back the ocean. You'll wear yourself out fighting battles you can't win.

5. You Miss the Real Relationship While you're focused on what's wrong with them, you miss the opportunity to actually love the person in front of you. You're so busy trying to change them that you never actually connect with them.

The Client Who Couldn't Let Go

Mark came to me because his wife had threatened to leave. When I asked what the main issues were, he pulled out a list.

"She parks too close to the mailbox. She leaves lights on in empty rooms. She buys name-brand groceries instead of generic. She doesn't rinse dishes before putting them in the dishwasher. She—"

I stopped him. "Mark, is any of this going to cause someone to die?"

He looked annoyed. "No, but it's wasteful and inefficient and—"

"Is it abusive? Toxic? Harmful to you or your marriage?"

"Well, no, but—"

"Then you need to drop it."

Mark's wife wasn't leaving because of her grocery choices or parking habits. She was leaving because she was tired of being criticized, corrected, and controlled over things that ultimately didn't matter.

The Question That Changes Everything

When you feel yourself getting worked up over something someone is doing, ask yourself one question:

"Is this going to cause someone to die?"

Not metaphorically. Not in the sense of "this relationship is dying." Literally: will someone's actual life be endangered by this behavior?

If the answer is no, you have two healthy options:

1. Take a timeout to calm down and get perspective
2. Drop it completely and move on

Everything else just makes things worse.

What About Serious Issues?

I can hear you thinking: "But what if it's not just annoying habits? What if it's actually serious?"

Here's the distinction you need to make:

Drop it issues (annoying but not dangerous):

• Personality differences
• Family-of-origin patterns
• Gender-typical behaviors
• Quirks and habits that don't cause real harm
• Perpetual problems that won't change
• Things that bother you but aren't actually wrong

Don't drop it issues (require addressing):

• Abuse of any kind
• Addiction that's destroying the family
• Infidelity and betrayal
• Financial deception
• Behaviors that endanger health or safety
• Patterns that violate agreed-upon boundaries

Most of what we fight about falls into the first category. We're exhausting ourselves trying to change things that aren't actually threatening anyone's wellbeing.

The Couple Who Discovered Freedom

Sarah and Tom had been married 20 years and were on the verge of divorce. Their list of complaints was extensive.

He was too social; she preferred quiet evenings at home. She was detail-oriented; he was spontaneous. He processed emotions externally; she needed time alone to think. She wanted things done right away; he preferred to wait until he had time to do it properly.

Every difference had become a battle.

I asked them both: "Are any of these differences abusive or toxic?"

They admitted they weren't.

"Then you have a choice," I told them. "You can keep fighting to change each other's personalities, or you can decide to accept that you married different people with different wiring."

The transformation happened when they stopped trying to change each other and started appreciating their differences.

Tom learned to give Sarah space for her quiet evenings instead of taking her introversion personally. Sarah learned to appreciate Tom's spontaneity instead of trying to make him more structured.

They didn't become the same. They became secure enough to let each other be different.

The Paradox of Letting Go

Here's what makes letting go so powerful: when you stop trying to control people, you often become more influential than you ever were through demands.

When Rachel stopped nagging her husband about dishes and phone scrolling, something unexpected happened. Without the constant criticism, he started noticing on his own when his habits bothered her.

He changed more after she stopped trying to change him than he ever did when she was pushing.

This isn't guaranteed—sometimes people don't change even when you let go. But that's exactly the point. Their change isn't your responsibility.

The Two Words That Transform Relationships

After three decades of helping couples, I can tell you that most people are carrying burdens they were never meant to carry.

You are not responsible for changing other people.

You can influence through love. You can set boundaries for yourself. You can choose how you respond. But you cannot and should not try to control others.

The two words that will transform every relationship you have are simple:

Drop it.

Not "give up." Not "become a doormat." Not "accept abuse."

Drop what you can't control so you can focus on loving the person in front of you.

Your Invitation to Freedom

If you're exhausted from trying to change people who won't change, if you're tired of the same fights over issues that don't actually threaten anyone's life, if you're ready to learn the difference between influence and control—I want to help you find freedom.

The "Letting Go In Love" 8-week online course walks you through the exact process I use with couples in my marriage intensives:

• How to distinguish between what you must address and what you can drop
• The step-by-step process for letting go in the moment when triggered
• Why your attempts to control show a lack of faith in God
• How to influence through secure love instead of demands
• Creating relationships based on freedom, not fear

For just $17—less than the cost of one argument-induced stress meal—you can learn the skills that have saved thousands of marriages.

Take Action Today

Ready to stop exhausting yourself trying to change people?

1. Ask yourself: "What am I trying to control that I need to drop?"
2. Practice the question: "Is this going to cause someone to die?"
3. Learn the skills: Enroll in "Letting Go In Love" and discover the freedom of releasing what you can't control

ENROLL IN "LETTING GO IN LOVE" - $17 →

Remember: Most relationship misery comes from trying to control what you can't control. When you learn to drop what doesn't matter and focus on loving well, you create space for real connection—and often, paradoxically, real change.

What have you been trying to control that you need to drop? Share in the comments—your willingness to let go might encourage someone else to stop exhausting themselves and start experiencing peace.