"I set a boundary with my husband, but he's not respecting it!"

Maria was frustrated. She had been reading books on boundaries, attending workshops, working with a therapist. She was doing everything right.

But her husband kept "violating her boundaries."

"What's your boundary?" I asked.

"He has to stop yelling when we argue," she said firmly. "That's my boundary. But he keeps doing it anyway."

I paused. "Maria, that's not a boundary. That's a demand."

She looked confused. "But... I read that I'm supposed to set boundaries to protect myself. I'm just telling him what I need!"

"I know," I said gently. "But here's what you're missing: A boundary is about what YOU will do. What you just described is about what you want HIM to do. That's not a boundary—that's control."

Her face fell. "But I'm not trying to control him. I'm just trying to protect myself from his anger!"

"I believe you," I said. "Most people who confuse boundaries with control have good intentions. They genuinely want to protect themselves. But they fundamentally misunderstand what a boundary actually is."

The Confusion That's Keeping You Stuck

Here's what most people get wrong about boundaries:

They think a boundary is a rule they get to impose on someone else's behavior.

"My boundary is that you can't yell at me." "My boundary is that you have to text me when you'll be late." "My boundary is that you need to go to therapy."

These all sound like boundaries. They use boundary language. They're often taught in therapy and self-help books.

But they're not boundaries. They're demands disguised as boundaries.

And the reason you're so frustrated that people "won't respect your boundaries" is because you're trying to control their behavior while calling it self-protection.

The One Thing That Makes All the Difference

Here's the distinction that changes everything:

Boundaries protect YOU. Control tries to change THEM.

A boundary is a fence around you. It defines what you will and won't tolerate, and what YOU will do in response.

Control is a leash on them. It defines what they must and mustn't do, and demands they comply.

Let me show you the difference:

CONTROL says: "You can't yell at me anymore." BOUNDARY says: "When you yell, I will leave the room until we can talk calmly."

CONTROL says: "You have to text me when you'll be late." BOUNDARY says: "If you're going to be more than 30 minutes late without communication, I'll eat dinner without you and make other plans."

CONTROL says: "You need to go to therapy for your anger." BOUNDARY says: "I can't stay in a relationship with unmanaged anger. If you choose not to address it, I'll need to make decisions about my own safety."

See the difference?

Control focuses on changing their behavior. Boundary focuses on protecting yourself regardless of their behavior.

Control demands compliance. Boundary offers choice—and accepts the consequences of their choice.

Why This Confusion Happens

Most people confuse boundaries with control for three reasons:

Reason #1: They Think Boundaries Are About the Other Person

You've been taught: "Set a boundary by telling them what they can't do to you."

The truth: A boundary is telling them what YOU will do if they continue their behavior.

The boundary isn't "You can't speak to me that way." The boundary is "I won't engage in conversations where I'm being spoken to disrespectfully."

Reason #2: They Confuse Consequences With Punishments

This is the big one. Most people think consequences and punishments are the same thing. They're not.

A punishment is something you impose to make them change. It's designed to cause pain or discomfort so they'll behave differently. The goal is to control their future behavior.

A consequence is a natural result that follows someone's choice. It's what happens when you protect yourself from their behavior. The goal is to protect yourself, not change them.

Example:

Punishment: "Since you yelled at me, I'm giving you the silent treatment for three days." (Goal: Make him so uncomfortable he stops yelling)

Consequence: "When you yell, I leave the room. When you're calm, I'm happy to continue our conversation." (Goal: Protect yourself from being yelled at)

Punishment focuses on them. Consequence focuses on you.

Reason #3: They Think Love Means Tolerating Everything

Many people—especially those raised in Christian homes—were taught that love means enduring bad behavior without complaint.

So when they finally learn about boundaries, they swing to the opposite extreme: they try to control the other person's behavior "for their own good."

They think: "A good boundary will make them change. A good consequence will teach them a lesson."

No. That's still trying to control them.

A real boundary says: "I love you, but I also love myself. I won't sacrifice my wellbeing to manage your behavior. You get to choose how you act. I get to choose how I respond."

The "Fake Boundaries" That Are Actually Control

Let's get specific. Here are common "boundaries" that are actually control attempts:

Fake Boundary #1: "My boundary is that you have to..."

Any sentence that starts with "My boundary is that you have to..." is control, not a boundary.

Control: "My boundary is that you have to stop watching porn."

Actual Boundary: "I can't be intimate with someone who's actively using porn. If you choose to continue, I'll need to separate our finances and sleeping arrangements while I decide what's best for me."

See the difference? The control version tries to make them stop. The boundary version protects you regardless of their choice.

Fake Boundary #2: "You're violating my boundaries!"

If someone can violate your boundary without you doing anything, it's not a boundary—it's a rule you're trying to enforce.

Real boundaries are self-enforcing. When someone crosses the line, YOU take action to protect yourself.

Control: "Stop interrupting me! You're violating my boundary!"

Actual Boundary: "I've asked not to be interrupted. Since that's continuing, I'm going to end this conversation and we can try again later when we're both calmer."

The boundary isn't what they must do. It's what you will do.

Fake Boundary #3: "If you don't [comply], then [threat]"

This is just an ultimatum dressed in boundary language.

Control: "If you don't go to marriage counseling, I'm leaving you."

Actual Boundary: "I need us to work on our marriage with professional help. If you're not willing to do that, I'll need to evaluate whether this relationship is healthy for me."

Subtle difference, but crucial. The control version is a threat to force compliance. The boundary version is a statement about what you need and what you'll do if that need isn't met.

Fake Boundary #4: "My boundary is that you can't be upset/angry/sad"

You don't get to control someone else's emotions.

Control: "My boundary is that you can't bring your bad mood home from work."

Actual Boundary: "When you come home in a bad mood, I need you to let me know so I can give you space. If you take your frustration out on me or the kids, I'll take them to another room until you're regulated."

You can't boundary someone's feelings. You can only boundary how their feelings impact you.

Fake Boundary #5: "That's just my boundary" (as a conversation-ender)

Using "that's my boundary" to shut down discussion is often manipulation.

Control: "I don't want you seeing your mother anymore. That's my boundary, so you have to respect it."

Actual Boundary: "When we spend time with your mother, I experience X, Y, Z. I need to limit my exposure to that. I won't attend family events where she's present, but I support you having a relationship with her."

A real boundary doesn't demand they change their relationship with their mother. It protects you while allowing them to make their own choices.

How to Set ACTUAL Boundaries (Not Control)

Ready to stop trying to control people and start actually protecting yourself? Here's how:

Step 1: Get Clear on What YOU Will Do

Stop focusing on what you want them to do. Start focusing on what you will do.

Ask yourself:

• "What am I willing to tolerate?"
• "What will I do if this behavior continues?"
• "What do I need to protect my own wellbeing?"

For Maria, this looked like:

Instead of: "You have to stop yelling." It became: "When you yell, I will calmly say 'I'm going to take a break' and leave the room. When you're ready to talk without yelling, come find me and we'll continue."

Step 2: State Your Boundary Clearly (Without Making It Their Problem)

A real boundary sounds like:

"When [behavior happens], I will [your response]."

Examples:

"When you speak to me disrespectfully, I will end the conversation."

"If you come home drunk, I will take the kids and stay at my sister's house for the night."

"When you check your phone during our dates, I will finish my meal and leave."

Notice: These all focus on YOUR actions, not their compliance.

Step 3: Follow Through Consistently (This Is the Actual Boundary)

Here's what most people miss: The boundary isn't the statement. The boundary is the action.

Maria could say "I'll leave when you yell" a thousand times. But if she never actually leaves, there's no boundary.

The boundary is when you actually:

• Leave the room
• End the conversation
• Take the kids and go to your sister's
• Finish your meal and leave the restaurant

Your follow-through is the fence. Without it, you're just making threats.

Step 4: Accept Their Response (Even If You Don't Like It)

Here's the hardest part: When you set a real boundary, they get to choose how to respond.

They might:

• Respect your boundary and change their behavior (great!)
• Continue their behavior and face your consequence (also fine—now you have information)
• Get angry that you're "controlling them" (ironic, since you're doing the opposite)
• Leave the relationship (painful, but clarifying)

A real boundary means you've accepted that you can't control their response. You can only control yours.

Maria's husband was angry at first. "You're just walking away from our problems!"

"No," she said calmly. "I'm protecting myself from being yelled at. When you're ready to talk without yelling, I'm here."

At first, he escalated. Then, slowly, he started regulating his anger before conversations because he realized she actually meant it.

But here's the key: Maria set the boundary to protect herself, not to change him. The fact that he changed was a bonus, not the goal.

The Litmus Test: Is This a Boundary or Control?

Still not sure if you're setting a boundary or trying to control? Ask yourself:

1. "Am I focused on what I will do or what they must do?"

• Boundary: What I will do
• Control: What they must do

2. "Can I enforce this without their cooperation?"

• Boundary: Yes (I can leave, I can end the conversation, I can protect myself)
• Control: No (I need them to comply for this to work)

3. "Am I trying to teach them a lesson or protect myself?"

• Boundary: Protect myself
• Control: Teach them a lesson

4. "Would I do this even if it doesn't change their behavior?"

• Boundary: Yes (it's about my wellbeing, not their transformation)
• Control: No (the whole point is to make them change)

5. "Am I willing to accept the consequences of this boundary, even if it costs me the relationship?"

• Boundary: Yes (my wellbeing is non-negotiable)
• Control: No (I'm trying to force change while keeping the relationship exactly as is)

What Happens When You Stop Controlling and Start Boundary-Setting

When Maria shifted from control to actual boundaries, everything changed:

Before (Control): "You can't yell at me anymore! You have to stop! This is my boundary!" (Result: Constant fighting. He kept yelling. She felt powerless and resentful.)

After (Boundary): "When you yell, I leave the room. When you're calm, I'll return." (Result: She felt empowered. He had to decide what mattered more—his anger or the conversation.)

The paradox: When she stopped trying to control him, she gained actual power over her own life.

She couldn't control whether he yelled. But she could control whether she stayed in the room to be yelled at.

That's a boundary.

The Hard Truth About Boundaries

Here's what no one tells you about real boundaries:

They might not change the other person.

Your spouse might keep yelling—just to an empty room. Your partner might keep drinking—just not in your presence. Your adult child might keep making terrible choices—just without your financial support.

Real boundaries aren't about fixing them. They're about protecting you.

And sometimes, protecting yourself means accepting that the relationship can't continue as is.

That's terrifying. Which is why so many people prefer control.

Control says: "If I can just make them change, I can keep the relationship AND feel safe."

Boundaries say: "I will keep myself safe, regardless of whether the relationship survives."

Control is about fear. Boundaries are about courage.

The Question That Changes Everything

Here's the question I want you to sit with this week:

"Have I been trying to control people while calling it boundaries?"

Look at your "boundaries":

• Are they actually demands?
• Are they focused on changing them or protecting you?
• Can you enforce them without their cooperation?
• Are you following through, or just threatening?

Because here's the truth: Until you understand the difference between boundaries and control, you'll keep exhausting yourself trying to change people while calling it self-care.

Real boundaries might not change them. But they will change you.

And that's the only transformation you actually have the power to create.

Take the Next Step

Struggling to let go of control and set actual boundaries? My $17 "Letting Go In Love" course teaches you how to protect yourself without trying to control others. Learn the difference between healthy boundaries and manipulation disguised as self-care.

Remember: Boundaries protect you. Control tries to change them. When you stop demanding their compliance and start protecting yourself, you finally experience the freedom that comes from focusing on what you can actually control—yourself.

Have you been confusing boundaries with control? Share in the comments—your honesty might help someone else stop exhausting themselves trying to enforce rules on other people's behavior.