SMALLEY INSTITUTE

“You've talked about taking a timeout when things get too heated. I feel my husband uses this phrase as a way of avoiding the problems we face. Unfortunately, communication in our marriage has become so unpleasant and difficult that timeouts have become a lifestyle and we have virtually no communication. I'm talking like years and years, at least 15. At this point I feel we have no connection and no relationship, along with so many unresolved issues I don't even know where to start. We have been married for 35 yrs. I don't want to give up, but I do not want to live the rest of my life with a hostile stranger. HELP!!!”

• Why in the world could everything we teach be bad?
  • Because you can twist anything good and make it bad...anything!
  • This is why Jesus made such a big deal about our hearts, our intentions, the true desire behind our actions.
• It matters WHY you are doing something.
  • Timeouts are good, but bad when
    • “I feel my husband uses this phrase as a way of...

Today we take on one of the shortest, yet intense question asked by a listener yet! I’ll just let you read it for yourself, “Is there a walking away point in marriage?”  I don’t know...is there? We’ll answer this question on today's show.

“My wife wants a divorce, I do not. She wants the four kids and I am supposed to move out. I want reconciliation, she says ‘No chance, ever!’ What do I do?”

• Respect the boundary even though it seems counterproductive
• Give her the space she is demanding
• Let her know you would love a chance to hear what you can do to repair the relationship, but you’ll be patient till she is ready
• In the meantime
  • Get help
  • Counseling, mentor, discipleship
• Make changes
  • She needs to see and experience the change...not hear about it
  • Let your actions do the talking for you
  • Listen to our series A Hero’s Guide to Winning Back Your Wife

On Saturday Night Live, a character named Stuart Smalley used to say, “I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and dog gone it people like me.” I’m not sure we’ve ever had a better introduction to the show...ever! Today we discuss the benefits of talking to yourself and how it can positively impact your relationships.

An articles in the NY Times by Kristin Wong “The Benefits of Talking to Yourself”

• Talking to yourself can impact you positively when it comes to relationships
• Two types of talking to one’s self
  • Instructional self-talk
    • Talking yourself through a task
  • Motivational self-talk
    • “I can do this!”
• It doesn’t have to be out-loud, internal self-talk works too
  • Ethan Kross, a professor of psychology at the University of Michigan
    • They found that when their subjects talked about themselves in the second or third person — for example, “You can do this” or “Jane can do this” instead...

Why we are doing a show like today is beyond me! Because I know at first, you’re going to be thinking to yourself, “How is this going to help me? I’m not a pastor or a leader at a church.” Well my listening friends, all that needs to change today. Because you need to know what an effective church marriage strategy looks like so you can begin harassing your church leadership to implement it. But it can also help your relationship specifically, if you’re willing to do the same things for your own marriage.

• The Church Marriage Strategy
• What every church in the world should be doing
  • Why don’t they, because pastor’s marriage isn’t up to snuff
  • They don’t want to come across condemning to those who have divorced
  • They don’t want to “support” divorce
• What best describes the marriage ministry in your church?
  • An event we do every year in February
  • Our pastor preaches on marriage at least once a year
  • We have a...

What's healthy when it comes to sexual intimacy in marriage? This episode is definitely not for little ears, a warning to those parents who might not want their kids to hear an honest and frank discussion about sex. I've got Dave Willis on the show and we don't shy away from anything when discussing sexual intimacy.

And it all started because of a bizarre new trend in wedding photography!

It’s the eighth show of our series, The Hero’s Guide to Winning Back Your Wife. Sometimes, the hero’s journey doesn’t have a hollywood ending. It can be more like the ending of Cold Mountain with Jude Law and Nicole Kidman. This movie came out in 2003 and I’m still angry and distraught about how it ended. You don’t want to hear today’s show, I know this, but you need to listen because what do you do if she doesn’t come back?

SHOW NOTES

If you want to listen to all the episodes in this series, just click here.

• What if she doesn’t come back
  • You need to hear this because, unfortunately, it is a possibility.
    • Sticking your head in the sand won’t make it better
  • First, realize you have no control over whether or not you win back your wife.  That is in God’s hands.
• If you “demand” that she comes back, it may be why you lost her
  • If your heart and attitude during this hero’s journey is that you...

We’ve landed on the seventh week in our series, The Hero’s Guide to Winning Back Your Wife. Today’s show could possibly be the most important of the entire series because you are going to learn the one question you have to ask. If you don’t ask this question, you’ll likely lose your wife. If you ask the question, and don’t follow through…well…let’s just say your hero’s journey could be over for sure.

SHOW NOTES

• Ask the all powerful question
• “What can I do to repair the damage I’ve caused in our relationship?”
• This is your greatest roadmap to recovery
  • It will validate her
  • You will be received as a servant
• Follow through or kill the relationship
  • If you don’t follow her roadmap, you can kiss the relationship goodbye
  • It’s like setting off an atom bomb
  • It will confirm her worst negative beliefs about you
• What could possibly cause you not to follow through?
  • Pride, arrogance, selfishness
  • ...

• The key strategies to seeking forgiveness are
  • Adjust your expectations of her response
  • Own the damage (which you’ve already learned about in the show “It starts with you”)
  • Be soft in both words and actions
  • Whatever you do, don’t say “I’m sorry”
  • Don’t shy away from the really hard stuff
  • Take it on the chin if need be
• What if your wife reacts poorly?
  • Just exactly what were you expecting?
  • Allow her the right to be upset and reject your seeking of forgiveness
  • Make sure she knows your “door” is always open if she changes her mind
  • Pray and fast on when you should approach her again, but don’t harass her...no matter what
  • Give God the chance to work on her heart, that is not your job
• A hero’s actions
  • Put some time and prayer in before your initial attempt to seek forgiveness
  • Say something like, “I know that I hurt you deeply when I (insert your ownership here).  It was wrong and I’d like to ask...

• What your wife wants most is to be validated
• “You’re right…”
  • Validating someone’s feelings is first accepting someone’s feelings and then acknowledging and accepting the other person’s unique identity and individuality. Validation says, “You are more important to me than proving myself right or proving you wrong.”
  • Whether you agree or not.
  • Does not matter what you think or believe, because her feelings are her feelings...which makes them a reality regardless of truth or facts.
  • It’s not about the nail.

• Validating statements
  • “I hear you’re upset by what I said, instead of being funny it sounds like I was really hurtful, is that right?”
  • “I hear that what I said to you really hurt your feelings. What can I do to make it right?”
  • Validation is not agreeing, it’s simply allowing your wife to be who she is, faults and all.
• If you don’t validate her
  • You’ll convince her...

• It starts with you
  • Personal responsibility is at the heart of every healthy relationship
    • It’s the fuel that drives the engine
    • Stop focusing on everything else
    • Look in the mirror, the only thing you can control is your own thoughts, emotions, and actions
  • When we blame
    • We become the victim, and victims simply don’t win relationally
    • It causes defensiveness
    • Stops the change process
    • Builds animosity
• A hero’s actions
  • Don’t apologize, but take responsibility
  • “What I’ve realized is how I hurt you by…”
  • Do for her what you wish she was doing for you
  • Never quit