I was on a tour of an elderly pastor's home with a group of fellow ministers when we got to the master bedroom.

He was in his eighties. Distinguished. Decades of ministry under his belt. The kind of guy you picture leading hymns and quoting Scripture at breakfast.

He opened the door to the bedroom and said, "This is where all the magic happens."

We all laughed. Classic old pastor humor.

Then, one by one, we noticed it.

Sitting on the bedside table like a lighthouse guiding ships to shore was a rather large vibrator. Just out there. No shame. No attempt to hide it.

Nobody spoke. We just stared.

Once he noticed where our eyes had landed, he didn't flinch. He looked at us and said, "Boys, when you're my age, certain things don't work anymore. So don't tell me I'm not allowed to still pleasure my wife."

And that was that.

We moved on to the living room. But I've never forgotten that moment. Because that 80-year-old pastor, standing next to his nightstand lighthouse, taught me more about biblical sexuality in ten seconds than years of church culture ever did.

The lesson? Within marriage, it's all about loving and serving each other. That's it.

What the Bible Actually Says (It's Less Than You Think)

Here's what most Christian couples have been taught about sex: there are rules. Lots of them. Unspoken ones. Assumed ones. Things you're "allowed" to do and things that are "off-limits." Certain positions? Probably sinful. Enjoying it too much? Suspicious. Anything creative or adventurous? Definitely worldly.

The problem is, most of these rules aren't in the Bible. They're church culture. They're assumptions passed down through generations of awkward silence and shame-based teaching.

So what does the Bible actually say about sex within marriage?

Be honoring. Be kind. Be serving. Be patient. Be loving.

That's... basically it.

Now, the Bible does have some clear boundaries around sexuality. You can find them in Leviticus 18. And honestly, reading that passage makes you wonder what on earth was happening in the ancient world.

God apparently felt it necessary to put in writing: Don't have sex with your mother. Don't have sex with your sister. Don't have sex with your aunt. Don't have sex with animals.

I'm sorry, but what was going on with people back then? Things were so out of control that "don't sleep with your goat" had to be etched in stone for all eternity?

But here's what's interesting. Those boundaries are about protecting people from harm, exploitation, and betrayal. Incest. Adultery. Abuse. These are the hard lines.

Within marriage, between a husband and wife who are honoring each other? The Bible doesn't give you a detailed rulebook. It gives you a principle: love and serve each other.

It's Not About the Orgasm

Here's where this gets really practical.

Sexual intimacy in marriage isn't primarily about the orgasm. It's about loving and serving each other.

I know that sounds counterintuitive. But stay with me.

When the goal becomes "getting off," sex turns into a performance. There's pressure. There are expectations. Someone feels like they're failing if it doesn't go a certain way.

But when the goal is to love and serve your spouse—to make them feel valued, desired, connected—everything shifts. The pressure drops. The intimacy increases. And ironically, things usually go a lot better for everyone involved.

That 80-year-old pastor understood this. He wasn't embarrassed about that vibrator because he wasn't thinking about himself. He was thinking about his wife. About continuing to serve her and bring her pleasure even when his body wasn't cooperating anymore.

That's what honoring looks like.

The Heart Behind Your Actions

So how do you know if something is okay in your marriage?

Forget trying to find a verse that specifically addresses your question. (Spoiler: there isn't one about most of the things you're wondering about.)

Instead, ask yourself two questions:

First: Is this selfish?

Am I pursuing this because I want to love my spouse, or because I want something for myself at their expense? Am I pressuring them into something they're uncomfortable with? Am I prioritizing my pleasure over their wellbeing?

If it's selfish, it's probably not honoring. Bad idea.

Second: Does this dishonor my spouse?

Does this make my spouse feel used, uncomfortable, or degraded? Does this cross a line for them—even if it wouldn't cross a line for me? Does this ignore their history, their boundaries, or their feelings?

If it dishonors your spouse, it's not loving. Bad idea.

But if you're both on board? If you're both enjoying it? If you're serving each other and growing closer through it?

Then stop looking for reasons to feel guilty. God gave you this gift. Enjoy it.

When You're Not on the Same Page

Here's where it gets tricky.

What happens when one spouse wants to explore and the other is more conservative? When one person's "fun and connecting" is another person's "uncomfortable and weird"?

This is where honor becomes a two-way street.

If you've married someone more conservative, you have to respect that. Full stop. You don't get to pressure them, guilt them, or make them feel like they're failing you because they're not ready for something.

Their comfort matters. Their pace matters. Their boundaries deserve respect.

At the same time, the more conservative spouse has some responsibility too. Being honoring doesn't mean shutting down every conversation or refusing to ever consider anything new. It means being open to exploring together. It means not making your spouse feel like a pervert for having desires.

The goal is to meet in the middle. To have ongoing conversations. To grow together over time. To create a space where both people feel safe, valued, and heard.

That's what love looks like. Not demanding. Not withholding. But serving each other and finding your way together.

Freedom, Not Rules

Here's what I want you to walk away with.

If you've spent years feeling guilty about your sex life—wondering if you're doing something wrong, feeling shame about your desires, trying to find the "rules" so you can follow them—I want to give you permission to breathe.

The Bible doesn't give you a detailed sexual rulebook for marriage. It gives you something better: a principle that applies to everything.

Love each other. Honor each other. Serve each other.

That's it.

An 80-year-old pastor standing next to his bedside table lighthouse understood this better than most of us. He wasn't ashamed because he had nothing to be ashamed of. He was loving his wife. He was serving her. He was honoring her even when his body wasn't cooperating.

That's the goal.

Not performance. Not rules. Not shame.

Just two people, committed to each other, figuring out how to love and serve each other well—including in the bedroom.

So have the conversations. Be honest about your desires. Listen to your spouse's boundaries. And stop looking for reasons to feel guilty about enjoying the gift God gave you.

Ready to strengthen your marriage—in every area? Check out my online courses at smalleyinstitute.com or reach out about coaching.

You can also text me at (303) 435-2630  or email [email protected] if you need help navigating this or any other area of your relationship.

What messages did you grow up hearing about sex in marriage? And how has that affected your relationship? Share in the comments—your honesty might help someone else find freedom too.