The Narcissism Spectrum: Why We're ALL On It (And Why That Changes Everything)

I used to think narcissism was simple.

You were either a narcissist—selfish, manipulative, incapable of real love—or you weren't. Black and white. Good guys and bad guys. Heroes and villains.

Then I read Dr. Craig Malkin's book Rethinking Narcissism, and everything I thought I knew about personality, relationships, and myself exploded.

Turns out, narcissism isn't a diagnosis you either have or don't have. It's a spectrum. And every single one of us falls somewhere on it.

Including me. Including you. Including your spouse, your kids, your pastor, and that friend who drives you crazy.

And here's the kicker: Being at either extreme—too much narcissism OR too little—will destroy your relationships.

The Day Everything Changed

I was sitting in my office between marriage intensive sessions when I picked up Malkin's book. As a psychologist with a PhD and 30 years in ministry, I figured I knew narcissism pretty well. I'd worked with diagnosed narcissists. I'd helped countless couples navigate narcissistic abuse. I understood the clinical definition.

But Malkin introduced me to something I'd never considered: the 0-10 scale.

On this spectrum:

• 0-3 = Echoists (people who've disappeared, can't advocate for themselves, live to serve others)
• 4-6 = Healthy narcissism (balanced sense of self, can be confident without dominating)
• 7-10 = Narcissists (dominate relationships, struggle with empathy, need constant validation)

As I read Malkin's descriptions of each number, something uncomfortable started happening.

I recognized myself. Not as a 4 or 5. But as a 7.

Me. The relationship expert. The guy who helps couples heal from narcissistic patterns. The Christian psychologist who wrote books about humility and loving others well.

I scored a solid 7 on the narcissism scale.

What a 7 Actually Looks Like

Before you picture me as some monster, let me explain what being a 7 means in real life.

I don't lack empathy. I genuinely care about people. I'm not manipulative or abusive. I don't gaslight my clients or intentionally harm anyone.

But here's what being a 7 DOES look like:

I naturally dominate conversations without meaning to. Put me in a group, and I'll end up doing most of the talking. It's not intentional. I just have a lot to say, and it genuinely doesn't occur to me that others might want equal airtime.

 I feel frustrated when people don't recognize my contributions. I've done incredible work helping thousands of couples. I know I'm good at what I do. And when that isn't acknowledged? It bothers me more than it should.

I can be dismissive of ideas that aren't mine. Someone suggests a different approach, and my internal response is often, "That won't work as well as my way." Sometimes I even say it out loud.

None of this makes me a clinical narcissist. I don't have Narcissistic Personality Disorder. I'm not incapable of change or empathy.

I'm just naturally higher on the spectrum than the healthy middle. And left unchecked, my 7 tendencies damage my relationships.

Why This Framework Changes Everything

Here's what Malkin's research revealed that revolutionized my understanding:

1. We're ALL on the spectrum somewhere

You're not either "normal" or "a narcissist." You fall somewhere on the 0-10 scale. And wherever you fall affects every relationship you have.

2. Both extremes are destructive

We talk a lot about narcissists (7-10) and the damage they cause. But we rarely talk about echoists (0-3) and how their disappearing act is equally destructive—just in different ways.

The person who scores a 2 and can't advocate for themselves? They're destroying their relationships just as surely as the person who scores an 8 and dominates everyone around them.

3. A little narcissism is actually healthy

The goal isn't zero narcissism. That would make you an echoist who completely loses yourself in relationships.

The goal is healthy narcissism—a solid 4, 5, or 6.

Healthy narcissism means:

• You can advocate for yourself without dominating others
• You have confidence without arrogance
• You can receive compliments without deflecting or becoming grandiose
• You value both your needs and others' needs
• You can admit mistakes without shame spiraling
• You take up appropriate space in relationships

4. You can move on the scale

This isn't a permanent diagnosis. You're not stuck at your number forever.

I was a 7. Through intentional work, I've moved closer to a 5. I'm not perfect—I still catch myself dominating conversations or struggling to admit I'm wrong. But I'm actively working on it.

And if I can move from a 7 toward a 5, anyone can move toward the healthy middle.

The Numbers Explained

Let me break down what each range actually looks like in real life:

0-3: The Echoists (The Disappearing People)

These folks have practically vanished. They:

• Can't state a preference ("I don't care, whatever you want")
• Apologize constantly, even when nothing is their fault
• Feel guilty taking time for themselves
• Derive identity entirely from serving others
• Can't set boundaries without feeling selfish
• Disappear in groups and relationships

The echoist isn't humble. They're terrified of being a burden.

4-6: The Healthy Middle (The Goal)

These people have found balance. They:

• Can state preferences while respecting others' input
• Feel comfortable both leading and following
• Can disagree without attacking or withdrawing
• Celebrate others' success without feeling diminished
• Admit mistakes without shame or defensiveness
• Set boundaries that protect their wellbeing
• Take up appropriate space in relationships

This is where we all want to be.

7-10: The Narcissists (The Dominating People)

These folks take up all the space. They:

• Dominate conversations without realizing it
• Struggle to admit mistakes or apologize sincerely
• Feel entitled to special treatment
• Believe most problems are others' fault
• Get impatient when not recognized or appreciated
• Have difficulty truly listening without planning their response
• Take over leadership roles even when not invited

The narcissist isn't confident. They're terrified of being ordinary.

Why We Misuse the Label

Here's the problem with how we use the word "narcissist" in everyday life:

We've turned it into a weapon instead of a tool for understanding.

Someone dominates a conversation? "They're such a narcissist." Your spouse forgets your anniversary? "Narcissist!" Your ex prioritized work over family? "Total narcissist."

But here's what we're missing:

A person who scores a 7 or 8 on the spectrum isn't a monster. They're just out of balance.

And the person calling them a narcissist? They might be a 2 or 3—equally out of balance, just on the opposite end.

I've worked with countless couples where one person was a 2 and the other was an 8. The 2 comes in convinced their spouse is "a narcissist" who's destroying the marriage. The 8 comes in convinced their spouse is "too sensitive" and "making everything about them."

And they're BOTH right. And they're BOTH wrong.

They're not dealing with a narcissist and a victim. They're dealing with two people living at opposite extremes of the spectrum—and both positions are destroying the relationship.

What This Means for Your Relationships

Understanding the narcissism spectrum changes everything about how you see yourself and the people you love.

If you're married to someone you think is "a narcissist":

Ask yourself: Where do YOU fall on the spectrum? Because if they're an 8 and you're a 2, you're not dealing with a clinical diagnosis. You're dealing with two people who are out of balance in opposite directions.

If you've been accused of being selfish or narcissistic:

You might not have a personality disorder. You might just be a 7 or 8 who needs to develop more awareness and intentionally move toward the middle.

If you constantly disappear in relationships:

You might not be humble or selfless. You might be a 2 or 3 who's terrified of being a burden. And that's just as unhealthy as being a 9.

If you're exhausted trying to fix someone who "won't change":

Maybe they're not refusing to change. Maybe they genuinely don't see what you see because they're viewing the relationship from a completely different position on the spectrum.

My Journey from 7 Toward 5

Let me be vulnerable about my own process.

Discovering I was a 7 was humbling. Painful, even. I've dedicated my life to helping people have healthier relationships, and here I was realizing I had significant narcissistic tendencies.

But here's what changed:

I started catching myself.

When I noticed I was dominating a conversation, I'd pause and ask others questions.

When I felt defensive about being wrong, I'd force myself to say, "You're right. I was wrong about that."

When I felt frustrated that my contributions weren't being recognized, I'd remind myself that I don't do this work for recognition—I do it because it matters.

And slowly, over years, I've moved from a 7 closer to a 5.

I'm not perfect. I still catch myself in 7 patterns. But now I have awareness. And awareness is the first step toward change.

The Invitation

So here's my invitation to you:

Stop trying to diagnose whether you or your spouse is "a narcissist."

Instead, ask yourself: Where do I fall on the 0-10 spectrum? Where does my spouse fall? My kids? My parents?

Are you a 2 married to an 8? A 7 working for a 3? A 5 parenting a 9?

Once you see the spectrum, everything changes.

You stop seeing heroes and villains. You start seeing people—including yourself—who are out of balance and need to move toward the healthy middle.

And that shift in perspective? That's where healing begins.

Want to Find Your Number?

I've created a comprehensive resource that will help you understand exactly where you fall on the narcissism spectrum—and what to do about it.

The Narcissism Scale eBook includes:

✅ The Smalley Spectrum Assessment (find your exact number in 10 minutes)
✅ Detailed descriptions of what each number looks like in real life
✅ Personalized action steps based on YOUR number
✅ How to understand your spouse, kids, and parents through this lens
✅ The 90-day transformation plan to move toward your healthy five

This isn't about diagnosing your spouse. It's about understanding that you're BOTH on the spectrum—and both contributing to the patterns that are exhausting you.

Get The Narcissism Scale eBook for $19.99

Coming up next week: We'll dive deep into the echoist end of the spectrum (0-3) and explore why disappearing in relationships is just as destructive as dominating them—and what to do if you recognize yourself there.

If you're ready to understand your position on the spectrum and start moving toward balance, you can text me at (303) 435-2630  or email [email protected].

Remember: You're not either "normal" or "a narcissist." You're somewhere on the spectrum. And wherever you are, you can move toward the healthy middle. The question isn't whether you have narcissistic tendencies. The question is: Are you willing to see them and grow?

Where do you think you fall on the 0-10 spectrum? Share in the comments—your honesty might help someone else finally understand their own patterns.