I was standing in the middle of Costco when my phone rang.

A woman I'd never met was on the other end, hurting, exhausted, and trying to figure out if coaching could help her struggling marriage. We'd scheduled a consultation call, and I'd completely lost track of time while debating whether I really needed a 48-pack of paper towels.

So I did what any reasonable person would do. I found the outdoor patio furniture display and sat down on a $1,200 wicker loveseat to have the conversation.

Somewhere between the giant teddy bears and the tire center, she asked me a question no one had ever asked me before.

"Who is your ideal client?"

I told her it was a great question. Maybe the best question anyone has ever asked me during a consultation. Then I leaned back into that overpriced patio furniture and really thought about it.

After thirty years of doing this work—marriage intensives, individual coaching, helping people navigate the hardest moments of their lives—I finally had to put words to something I'd always known instinctively.

Who actually gets better? Who experiences real breakthrough? Who does the work and sees transformation?

Here's what I told her.

The Three Things Every Person Who Thrives Has in Common

1. They are brutally honest with themselves.

Not kind-of honest. Not "I know I have some issues" honest. Brutally, uncomfortably, look-in-the-mirror-and-tell-the-truth honest.

These are the people who stop saying "we have communication problems" and start saying "I shut down when I feel criticized and then punish my spouse with silence for three days."

They stop blaming circumstances and start owning their choices.

They understand something I call radical responsibility—the willingness to take complete ownership of your side of the street, regardless of what anyone else is doing on theirs.

This doesn't mean everything is your fault. It means you're done waiting for other people to change before you start working on yourself.

2. They focus on themselves instead of everyone else.

This sounds simple. It's actually revolutionary.

Most people who come to me for help spend the first twenty minutes telling me everything that's wrong with their spouse, their kids, their boss, their circumstances. They've got a detailed list of everyone else's failures and a vague sense that they "probably have some stuff to work on too."

My ideal client flips that script.

They show up saying, "I don't care what my spouse does or doesn't do. I need to figure out my own issues. I need to find freedom in Christ regardless of whether my marriage survives. I need to become the person I'm supposed to be."

They've stopped trying to control things they can't control—which is basically everything except themselves.

When you stop obsessing over what everyone else should be doing differently and start focusing on your own transformation, everything changes. Not because the people around you magically get better, but because you do.

3. They are humble and willing to do the work.

This is where most people fall apart.

It's one thing to admit you have problems. It's another thing entirely to submit to a process, receive coaching, and actually do what's asked of you.

My ideal client doesn't argue with every suggestion. They don't have an excuse for why each piece of advice won't work in their situation. They don't show up to sessions having done none of the work from the previous week.

They listen. They try things. They trust the process even when it's uncomfortable.

Because here's the truth: nothing changes if nothing changes.

You can have all the insight in the world. You can read every book, attend every seminar, and understand exactly what's wrong with you. But if you don't actually do something different, you'll stay stuck forever.

The people who thrive are humble enough to admit they don't have all the answers. They're willing to be influenced. They do the work, even when they don't feel like it.

The Moment I Had to Become My Own Ideal Client

I wish I could tell you I learned these principles from a textbook. I didn't.

I learned them the hard way—by failing to live them myself.

There was a season in my life when everything felt like too much. The pain was overwhelming. People I trusted had hurt me deeply. I was drowning, and I was convinced the problem was everyone and everything around me.

So I did what felt natural. I complained to God about all of it.

I pleaded with Him to change the people who were hurting me. I begged Him to fix my circumstances. I explained in great detail exactly how unfair everything was and how none of it was my fault.

I was in full victim mode, and I wanted God to validate my suffering.

That's when the Holy Spirit smacked me upside the head.

Not audibly. But unmistakably. And the message was clear: I'm not doing a thing about anyone else while you're behaving like a knucklehead.

Ouch.

God wasn't interested in my list of other people's failures. He wasn't moved by my carefully constructed case for why I was the victim. He wanted to talk about me—my choices, my reactions, my self-destructive coping behaviors.

Here's the thing: I knew better. I do this for a living. I'd spent decades helping other people understand these exact principles. But knowing something and living it are two very different things. The pain had overwhelmed me, and I'd broken. I'd started reacting horribly to the world around me instead of taking the next right step.

God never gave up on me. But He also wasn't going to let me off the hook. The truth is that it doesn't matter what everyone else is or isn't doing. What matters is what am I going to do? How am I going to respond? What's the next right thing, and am I willing to do it?

Once I stopped acting like a victim, I started getting better.

Once I allowed myself to be influenced by someone—to actually listen to their advice and do what they asked of me—I got better.

I had to become a good client myself. The irony isn't lost on me. I'd spent too long helping everyone else while ignoring my own issues. God made it clear: it was time to submit to the process, stop making excuses, and do the work.

That's when transformation started.

Who Doesn't Thrive (A Gentle Reality Check)

I want everyone to get better. I really do.

But I've also been doing this long enough to know that some people aren't ready yet. And that's okay—it doesn't mean they'll never be ready. It just means the timing isn't right.

If you're showing up primarily to prove that your spouse is the problem, you're not ready.

If you have an excuse for why every suggestion won't work in your situation, you're not ready.

If you're coming to coaching to check a box or look good to someone else but have no intention of actually changing anything, you're not ready.

If you're convinced that once everyone else changes, you'll finally be happy, you're not ready.

There's no shame in that. Sometimes we have to hit a certain level of pain before we're willing to do what transformation requires. Sometimes we need to try everything else first before we're humble enough to receive help.

But the people who stay stuck? They're the ones who keep blaming. They keep playing victim. They keep trying to control things they have no control over. They keep showing up without doing the work.

And nothing changes because nothing changes.

The Woman on the Phone

That woman who called me from Costco? She became a client.

She started the work. She committed to looking at herself instead of just focusing on her husband. She began addressing some unresolved trauma that had been causing her to react poorly in difficult conversations.

I can't tell you how her marriage ends up. That story isn't finished yet.

But here's what I can tell you: she's doing her part. And in the end, that's what matters for all of us.

We can't control outcomes. We can't force other people to change. We can't guarantee that doing the right thing will produce the results we want.

But we can become the kind of people who are honest with ourselves, focused on our own growth, and humble enough to do the work.

That's where transformation lives.

So... Are You My Ideal Client?

Let me ask you a few questions:

Are you tired of doing the same things and expecting different results?

Are you ready to stop focusing on everyone else's failures and start addressing your own?

Are you willing to be honest—really honest—about what's not working in your life?

Are you humble enough to receive coaching and actually do what's asked of you?

If you're nodding your head, we should talk.

Not because I have magic answers, but because I've walked this road myself. I've had to become my own ideal client. I've had to stop blaming, stop making excuses, and start doing the work.

And I've seen what happens when people commit to that process. It changes everything.

Ready to start your own transformation? Check out my online courses at smalleyinstitute.com or book a consultation to see if coaching is right for you.

You can also text me at (303) 435-2630  or email [email protected] if you need help figuring out next steps.

What resonates with you from this article? Are you someone who's ready to do the work, or are you still figuring out what's holding you back? Share in the comments—your story might be exactly what someone else needs to hear today.