I hear it all the time.

"I'm doing everything I can, but my spouse won't lift a finger."

"I've read the books, listened to the podcasts, gone to counseling—alone. They won't come."

"I'm the only one trying. How is that fair?"

If that's you, I want you to know two things right away:

First, I get it. The frustration of being the only one working on your marriage is exhausting. It feels lonely. It feels hopeless. It feels deeply unfair.

Second, there's more hope here than you might think. But it's probably not the kind of hope you're expecting.

Let Me Ask You Something

Before we go any further, I want to ask you a question I ask almost everyone in this situation:

Have you tried to get your spouse to change before?

How did that go?

I already know the answer. It didn't go well.

Maybe they got defensive. Maybe they turned it around on you. Maybe they shut down completely. Maybe they made promises and nothing changed. Maybe the conversation turned into a fight about everything except what you actually wanted to talk about.

Here's the thing: your spouse knows you. Intimately. They know your biggest flaws, your worst moments, every way you've fallen short over the years. So when you come to them pointing out what THEY need to fix, they don't have a lot of tolerance for it.

It's not that they're wrong and you're right. It's that nobody likes being told they need to change by someone who has their own pile of stuff to work on.

Trying to force your spouse to change almost never works. And deep down, you already know that.

The Mistake Almost Everyone Makes

When one spouse is checked out, the other spouse usually responds in one of a few predictable ways:

Nagging. Bringing it up over and over, hoping repetition will finally break through. It won't. It just builds resentment—on both sides.

Ultimatums. "If you don't go to counseling, I'm done." Sometimes ultimatums work short-term, but forced change rarely sticks. And ultimatums you're not willing to follow through on just teach your spouse that your words don't mean much.

Trying to force change. Signing them up for things. Leaving books on their pillow. Forwarding articles with "helpful" suggestions. Playing amateur therapist. All of this communicates one thing: "I think you're broken and I'm going to fix you." How would YOU respond to that message?

Giving up. "Fine. If they won't try, why should I?" And so both of you stop working on the marriage, and things slowly get worse.

Sometimes people cycle through all four—nagging, then ultimatums, then forcing, then quitting. Then back to nagging. It's exhausting. And it doesn't work.

The Shift That Changes Everything

Here's what I've learned—both professionally and personally:

A marriage transformation begins and ends with each individual doing their part.

Not both people doing their part. Each person doing THEIR part.

That means you can't wait for your spouse to get on board before you start growing. You can't hold your transformation hostage until they decide to join you. You can't say, "I'll change when they change."

That's not how it works.

Radical responsibility means taking ownership of YOUR growth, YOUR healing, YOUR responses—regardless of what your spouse does or doesn't do.

It means asking, "What's MY part in this?" instead of obsessing over their part.

It means working on yourself not as a manipulation tactic to get them to change, but because becoming a healthier person is the right thing to do—period.

You are responsible for your transformation. They are responsible for theirs.

What Often Happens Next

Here's the beautiful thing I've seen over and over again:

When one person genuinely commits to their own transformation—not as a tactic, but as a real decision to grow—something shifts in the marriage.

Your spouse notices. They may not say anything at first. They may even be suspicious. But they notice.

And often, your transformation creates an environment where they feel safe enough—or inspired enough—to start their own journey.

I'm not promising this will happen. I can't guarantee your spouse will suddenly wake up and want to work on things. That's their choice, and you can't control it.

But I can tell you this: your transformation gives the best possible environment for positive change to occur.

When you stop nagging and start growing, things shift. When you stop attacking and start owning your stuff, walls come down. When you stop trying to control and start becoming someone worth following, people often follow.

Not always. But often.

The Guarantee You Do Have

Let me be really honest with you.

I had to learn this the hard way. I had to learn that I can't control another person. I can't force them to do the work of transformation. I had to let go and trust that their growth was between them and God—not my project to manage.

That was painful. Really painful.

But here's what I discovered on the other side:

When you work on yourself, you can't lose.

Read that again.

If you commit to your own growth—your own healing, your own transformation—you win no matter what happens to the marriage.

If your spouse eventually joins you and the marriage is restored? You're a healthier person who can show up better in that restored relationship.

If your spouse never engages and the marriage doesn't survive? You're a healthier person who will carry that growth into whatever comes next.

Either way, you're healed. Either way, you're whole. Either way, the work wasn't wasted.

That's not the hope most people want. They want a guarantee that if they do the work, their spouse will change and everything will be fine.

I can't give you that guarantee. Nobody can.

But I can give you this: the work is never wasted. Your transformation matters regardless of the outcome. You will be better for it.

Stop Waiting. Start Growing.

If you've been waiting for your spouse to get on board before you start working on yourself, I want to challenge you to stop waiting.

Stop waiting for them to read the book. Stop waiting for them to agree to counseling. Stop waiting for them to admit they have a problem. Stop waiting for them to change first.

Start now. Start with you.

Take radical responsibility for your own growth. Get help. Join a community. Do the work—not because it will definitely save your marriage, but because it will definitely make you a healthier, more whole person.

And who knows? Your transformation might be exactly what inspires theirs.

But even if it doesn't, you'll be okay. Better than okay.

Because when you work on yourself, you can't lose.

This is exactly why Smalley Sojourners exists.

It's a community for people who are ready to do the work—whether their spouse joins them or not. A place where your transformation doesn't depend on anyone else's participation.

✅ Twice-weekly live coaching with me (Tues/Fri 7-8am CST)
✅ 30 minutes of private coaching each month
✅ Complete course library
✅ WhatsApp community that has your back

Your transformation matters. And it's better together.

Join Smalley Sojourners →

You can also text me at (303) 435-2630  or email [email protected].

Are you the only one working on your marriage right now? What's the hardest part about that? I'd love to hear from you in the comments.