"I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and doggone it, people like me."

If you're old enough to remember Saturday Night Live in the early '90s, you just read that in Al Franken's voice. His character Stuart Smalley—with his cardigan sweater, perfectly coiffed hair, and daily affirmations—became one of the most memorable bits in SNL history.

We laughed at Stuart. He was ridiculous. A grown man staring into a mirror, talking to himself, validating his own existence with cheesy phrases.

But here's the thing: Stuart was onto something.

Not the cheesy affirmations part. But the talking to yourself part? Turns out that's actually one of the most powerful tools we have for becoming better in our relationships.

And I don't just mean better at relationships. I mean better IN them. More present. More intentional. More capable of responding instead of reacting.

Let me explain.

The Science Behind Talking to Yourself

Kristin Wong wrote an article in the New York Times called "The Benefits of Talking to Yourself," and the research she uncovered is fascinating.

It turns out there are two types of self-talk that actually help us function better.

The first is instructional self-talk—talking yourself through a task. You've probably done this without thinking about it. "Okay, first I need to send that email, then I'll make the call, then I'll finish the report." Walking yourself through the steps out loud (or internally) helps your brain organize and execute.

The second is motivational self-talk—the classic "I can do this" pep talk. Before a hard conversation, a big presentation, or a difficult moment, you coach yourself into readiness.

Neither of these requires you to speak out loud, by the way. Internal self-talk works just as well.

But here's where it gets really interesting.

Ethan Kross, a professor of psychology at the University of Michigan, found something surprising in his research. When people talked about themselves in the second or third person—saying "You can do this" or "Michael can do this" instead of "I can do this"—they performed better. Not just in their own estimation, but their peers rated their performances higher too.

Why? Because of something called psychological distance.

When you refer to yourself as "you" or by your name, you create a little bit of separation. You become like a coach talking to a player instead of a player stuck in your own head.

Kross explained it this way: Think about a time when a friend was ruminating about a problem. As an outsider, it was probably pretty easy for you to give them advice. You could see the situation clearly because you weren't sucked into it emotionally. You had distance.

When you talk to yourself in the second or third person, you give yourself that same gift. You become your own wise friend, your own coach, your own outside perspective.

And that changes everything when it comes to relationships.

Why This Matters for Your Relationships

Here's what I've learned after thirty years of working with couples and individuals: most relationship disasters happen in a split second of reactivity.

Someone says something that hits a nerve. Your fear button gets pushed. And before your brain can catch up, you've said something you can't take back, or you've shut down completely, or you've gone into attack mode.

The space between trigger and response is tiny. Milliseconds, sometimes.

Self-talk is how you widen that space.

It's how you become present enough to choose your response instead of just reacting from old patterns and wounds.

Let me give you three specific ways this plays out.

First, self-talk helps you calm down before hard conversations.

You know that conversation you've been dreading? The one about money, or the kids, or that thing your spouse did that hurt you? The one you keep putting off because every time you try, it goes sideways?

Before you walk into that conversation, you can coach yourself. "Michael, you're going to stay calm. You're going to listen first. You're not going to get defensive. You're going to assume the best about her intentions."

That's not cheesy affirmation stuff. That's strategic preparation. You're pre-deciding how you want to show up instead of letting your emotions decide for you in the moment.

Second, self-talk helps you change the story you're telling yourself about your spouse.

This one is huge.

We all have narratives running in our heads about the people we love. And too often, those narratives are unfair. We interpret everything through the worst possible lens. We assume motives. We build a case.

Self-talk is how you interrupt that.

"Okay, Michael, you're assuming she did that on purpose. But is that true? What if she was just tired? What if she didn't realize how it landed? What if you gave her the benefit of the doubt?"

You're not lying to yourself. You're not pretending everything is fine. You're just challenging the story before it hardens into resentment.

Third, self-talk helps you coach yourself through conflict in the moment.

This is the hardest one, but it's the most powerful.

When you're in the middle of a heated moment—when every instinct is screaming at you to defend yourself, or attack, or shut down—you can create a tiny pocket of space with self-talk.

"Michael, slow down. What's she actually saying? What's underneath this? You're getting triggered right now. Take a breath."

It feels awkward at first. But with practice, it becomes automatic. And it's the difference between a conversation that spirals out of control and one that actually gets somewhere.

Talking Myself Back from the Cliff's Edge

I'm not sharing this from some position of having it all figured out.

There are so many times I have to talk myself back from the cliff's edge. So many moments where my brain wants to catastrophize, or assume the worst, or spin out into negative beliefs about someone.

That's when I become my own coach.

"Michael, you don't actually know what they meant by that. Give them the benefit of the doubt."

"Michael, you're catastrophizing again. What's actually true right now?"

"Michael, you're about to react out of fear. Stop. Breathe. Choose."

This isn't weakness. It's not crazy. It's actually one of the most mature things you can do—creating space between stimulus and response so you can show up the way you actually want to.

The alternative is letting your worst impulses run the show. And I've done enough of that to know where it leads.

Talk to Yourself, Don't Listen to Yourself

My pastor has this line I love: "Talk to yourself, don't listen to yourself."

What he means is this: your brain is going to generate all kinds of thoughts, narratives, fears, and assumptions on its own. That's what brains do. They chatter constantly.

If you just passively listen to that chatter, you're at its mercy. Whatever fear pops up, whatever worst-case scenario your brain generates, whatever story it spins—you're stuck with it.

But if you actively talk to yourself, you take charge. You become the narrator instead of the audience. You direct the conversation instead of being dragged along by it.

This is the difference between being reactive and being responsive.

Reactive means your emotions and assumptions are in the driver's seat. Something happens, and you react before you think.

Responsive means you've created space to choose. Something happens, and you get to decide how you want to show up.

Self-talk is how you make that shift.

It's how you stop being a passenger in your own mind and start being the one behind the wheel.

The Practice

Like anything worthwhile, this takes practice. You won't be perfect at it. I'm certainly not.

But here's how you can start:

Before your next hard conversation, take two minutes to coach yourself. Use your own name. "You're going to listen first. You're going to stay curious instead of defensive. You can do this."

When you catch yourself spiraling into negative thoughts about someone, interrupt it. "Is that actually true? What's another way to see this?"

When you feel yourself getting triggered in the moment, create a micro-pause. Even just saying your own name internally can help you step back from pure reactivity.

And remember—this doesn't have to be out loud. Internal self-talk works just as well. The point isn't to look like Stuart Smalley in your bathroom mirror (though you can if you want). The point is to become your own coach, your own wise advisor, the person who helps you show up better than your autopilot would.

Stuart Was Right

Stuart Smalley was a joke. The character was meant to be laughed at—a parody of self-help culture taken to its absurd extreme.

But underneath the cardigan and the cheesy affirmations, there was a kernel of real wisdom.

Talking to yourself matters.

Not the "I'm good enough, I'm smart enough" fluff. But the intentional, strategic, perspective-creating self-talk that helps you show up differently in your relationships.

The conversation you have with yourself determines every other conversation you have.

So maybe it's time to start talking.

Ready to transform how you show up in your relationships? Check out my online courses at smalleyinstitute.com or reach out about coaching.

You can also text me at (303) 435-2630  or email [email protected] if you need help figuring out next steps.

Do you talk to yourself? Has it helped you in your relationships? Share in the comments—your experience might be exactly what someone else needs to hear today.