And why admitting "I am my biggest problem" might be the most liberating thing you'll ever hear

My brother Greg asked a simple question: "What do you want for dinner?"

I said, "Whatever you want is fine with me."

He pressed, "No really, what sounds good to you?"

"I'm easy. You decide."

"Michael, I'm asking what YOU want."

"Honestly, anything is fine. I don't care."

By the end of that conversation, we were both frustrated. He felt like I didn't care enough to have an opinion. I felt like I was being the "good guy" by being accommodating. Neither of us realized what was really happening: my signature sin was quietly destroying our connection.

I thought I was being selfless. Christlike, even.

I was wrong.

The Phone Call That Changed Everything

July 2019. It was my very first phone call with personal coach Jim Lange, author of "The Happy Wife Happy Life DECEPTION: How to Stop Walking on Eggshells & Be the Man You were Made to Be." I had reached out to him because my life was falling apart, and I was convinced it was everyone else's fault.

During that first conversation, Jim asked me a question that stopped me cold: "Michael, how did you last 23 years in such difficult circumstances?"

I answered immediately, with complete confidence: "Because I was trying to be like Jesus. I was turning the other cheek, loving my enemies, being patient and kind."

The silence on the other end of the phone lasted forever.

Then Jim said something that shattered my entire self-concept: "Michael, are you being like Jesus, or are you just avoiding pain?"

I felt like I'd been punched in the gut.

For over two decades, I had convinced myself that my passivity was virtue. That my conflict avoidance was spiritual maturity. That my inability to set boundaries was sacrificial love.

But Jim saw through it all. He saw what I couldn't see: I wasn't being like Jesus at all. I was just a coward who had gotten really good at making cowardice look like righteousness.

What I Discovered About Signature Sins

That conversation with Jim was the beginning of a six-month journey that would introduce me to a concept that revolutionized my understanding of why nothing in my life was working: signature sins.

A signature sin isn't just your typical addiction to substances. It's any pattern of behavior that feels bigger than your willpower to control it. For some people, it's obvious—alcohol, drugs, pornography, shopping. But for others of us, our signature sins hide in plain sight, disguised as virtues.

Mine was passivity. And its sneaky cousin: inconsistency.

Here's how passivity showed up in my life:

• Avoidance instead of engagement - I would shut down during difficult conversations instead of working through them
• Terrible boundary setting - I said yes to everything to avoid disappointing anyone
• Quiet manipulation - I tried to manage everyone else's emotions so I wouldn't have to deal with conflict
• Peacekeeping instead of peacemaking - I kept surface-level calm while resentment festered underneath

The Six Characteristics That Make Signature Sins So Powerful

As I worked through my first step in healing, I discovered that signature sins have specific characteristics that make them nearly impossible to overcome through willpower alone:

1. Allergy - There's an emotional craving that kicks in. For me, any hint of conflict would trigger my flight response. I'd immediately start looking for ways to escape, avoid, or deflect.
2. Progressive - It takes more avoidance to get the same "relief." What started as occasionally withdrawing during arguments became completely shutting down for days or weeks.
3. Self-Delusion - I became a master at lying to myself. "I'm just being the mature one." "Someone has to be the peacekeeper." "This is what love looks like."
4. Distortion of Attention - My entire life revolved around avoiding conflict and managing other people's emotions. I planned my days around keeping everyone happy.
5. Loss of Willpower - Every time I tried to "be more assertive" or "set better boundaries," I'd cave at the first sign of resistance. Each failure made me feel more hopeless.
6. Withdrawal - When I tried to change, everything in me resisted. Being direct and honest felt foreign and uncomfortable. Passivity had become my normal.

The Moment Everything Changed

Six months into working with Jim, I was still playing the victim. I spent our sessions complaining about everyone else's behavior, especially my spouse's. I was convinced that if everyone else would just change, my life would be fine.

Then I had a moment with God that changed everything.

I was in my usual routine—pouring out my frustrations to Him about everyone else's problems. Going down my mental list of all the ways other people were making my life difficult.

And God interrupted me.

Not audibly, but unmistakably clear: "Michael, I'm not going to do anything about anyone else until you start dealing with your own sin."

That's when it hit me like a freight train: I was my biggest problem.

Not my circumstances. Not other people's behavior. Not my difficult marriage or challenging relationships.

Me.

My passivity. My avoidance. My manipulation disguised as niceness. My complete inability to take responsibility for my own emotional life.

And you know what? It was the most liberating moment of my life.

Why Being the Problem is Actually Good News

Here's why realizing you're your biggest problem is the best news you'll ever hear: if you're the problem, then you can actually do something about it.

As long as I focused on everyone else's behavior, I was powerless. I couldn't control their choices, their words, their actions. But the moment I realized that my responses were destroying my relationships, I suddenly had power to change something.

I couldn't make my spouse communicate differently, but I could learn to stop shutting down during conversations.

I couldn't force people to respect my boundaries, but I could learn to set them clearly and kindly.

I couldn't control other people's emotions, but I could stop making myself responsible for managing them.

For the first time in decades, I had hope. Because for the first time in decades, I was focused on the one person I actually could change: myself.

The Truth About Your Signature Sin

Here's what I tell my clients when they're ready to hear it: "You are your biggest problem today."

I say it lovingly. Humbly. Because I know how it feels to hear those words. But I also know how free they can make you.

If you're reading this and feeling stuck, if you've tried everything and nothing seems to work, if you're frustrated with the same patterns showing up over and over again in your life, I want you to consider this possibility:

Your signature sin might not be what you think it is.

Maybe it's not the obvious stuff. Maybe it's the way you avoid difficult conversations. Or the way you say yes when you mean no. Or the way you try to control outcomes through worry and manipulation. Or the way you rescue other people from the consequences of their choices.

Maybe your signature sin is disguised as a virtue.

Your Next Step

If this resonates with you, if you're tired of the same issues causing chaos in your life, if you're ready to look honestly in the mirror and ask the hard question, "What if I'm the common denominator in all my problems?"—then you're ready for Step One.

You're ready to admit that you are powerless over your signature sin and that it's wrecking your life and relationships.

You're ready to stop pretending you have it all together.

You're ready to discover what real power looks like.

Because here's the secret Jim Lange taught me, and what I now teach my clients: admitting powerlessness isn't the end of your story. It's the beginning of your freedom.

Take Action Today

Brutal Honesty Check: Ask yourself these questions:

1. What patterns keep showing up in your relationships that you can't seem to change?
2. What "virtues" might actually be signature sins in disguise?
3. How long are you willing to keep trying to fix this on your own?

Ready to go deeper? Join our Rise online course where we walk through all 12 steps together. Because nothing changes if nothing changes—and you don't have to do this alone.

START YOUR RISE JOURNEY →

Remember: Your signature sin isn't your problem. Your belief that you can fix it yourself is your problem. But there's hope. Real, lasting hope. And it starts with one simple admission: "I can't do this alone."

Want to share your own signature sin discovery? Leave a comment below. Your honesty might be exactly what someone else needs to hear today.