On April 8, 2022, everything changed.

Not because the pain stopped. Not because my circumstances improved. Not because the people hurting me suddenly became kind.

Everything changed because I finally stopped worrying about anybody else except myself.

For decades, I had a pattern. If you put me through enough pain—conflict, toxic behaviors, relentless emotional assault—I would eventually break. And when I broke, I didn't just fall apart. I became hyper self-destructive.

First, it was food. Twenty years of eating too much, numbing the pain one bite at a time, until I became morbidly obese. Then I lost 135 pounds—a victory that should have been a turning point.

But the pain continued. The relationship hurt kept piling up. And when food wasn't an option anymore, I found a new way to cope.

Alcohol.

For about nine months, I drank too much. Not because I loved drinking, but because I was desperate to numb the pain. It worked, temporarily. But like every self-destructive coping mechanism, it was killing me slowly while pretending to save me.

That's when I'd had enough.

I was done being my own worst nightmare. Done destroying myself because other people were hurting me. Done letting my unresolved trauma turn me into someone I didn't recognize.

Yes, I can give myself grace. I know I was trying to survive. But at some point, I had to take radical responsibility for my choices and stop blaming others—or the world—for what I was doing to myself.

I was the one thing I had control over. And I was finally ready to do something about it.

The Man Who Helped Me See

I owe a lot to Dr. Rick Marks in Jacksonville, Florida.

He was the one who finally helped me see the light. The one who suggested I start my journey with something I'd never heard of before: a 90 in 90.

In Alcoholics Anonymous, a 90 in 90 means attending 90 meetings in 90 days. When Dr. Marks suggested it, I threw up a little in my mouth.

I was nearly 50 years old. And I had never done anything in my life for 90 straight days.

That's humiliating to admit publicly. I had never brushed my teeth for 90 straight days. Never taken a shower for 90 straight days. I'm fairly certain I'd never even gone to the bathroom for 90 straight days. Lack of consistency was one of my signature sins—those recurring patterns of self-destruction that kept derailing my life.

But something was different this time.

I never wanted to quit during that 90 in 90. I didn't believe I could do it—that's different. But I never wanted to stop.

Because I knew if I didn't find freedom, I was on a quick trajectory to death.

Whatever It Takes

So I went for it. No matter what.

Some days I attended two or three meetings just to bank extras for the inevitable day I might miss one. Early morning meetings when I'd rather be sleeping. Late evening meetings when I was exhausted. Meetings when I was hurt, angry, frustrated, or barely holding it together.

None of it mattered. I showed up anyway.

Because I was finally willing to do whatever it took to find freedom in Christ.

That's the key phrase: whatever it takes.

Not "I'll try this for a while and see if it works." Not "I'll do the easy parts but skip the uncomfortable stuff." Not "I'll work on myself when other people stop hurting me."

Whatever it takes. Full stop.

And you know what? I completed the 90 in 90. The guy who had never done anything consistently for 90 days in his entire life finished all 90 meetings. Not perfectly. Not gracefully. But completely.

That's when I started to believe the phrase I'd been hearing at the end of every meeting:

It works if you work it.

What "Working It" Actually Looks Like

People ask me what recovery looks like in daily life. They want the practical stuff—what do you actually do?

Here's my answer: I keep finding the next right person to help me along my journey.

That means reaching out to my mentor regularly. Checking in when I need to—not just when it's convenient. Being honest about where I'm struggling instead of pretending I have it all together.

It means personal coaching for myself. Yes, I'm the guy who coaches others, and I still have my own coach. That's not weakness. That's wisdom. We all need someone speaking into our lives who can see what we can't see.

It means reading, studying, and remaining brutally honest with the people who are walking alongside me.

Working it isn't a one-time decision. It's a daily practice.

Some days the practice feels life-giving. Other days it feels like dragging myself to a meeting when I'd rather stay in bed. Both count. Both matter. Both move you forward.

When You Stop Working It

I'd love to tell you I've been perfect since April 8, 2022. That once I discovered the secret, I never struggled again.

That would be a lie.

The truth is, in my current season, I've been less engaged in community meetings. I moved to the Fort Worth area and tried some groups that weren't a good fit. The chemistry was off. The format didn't work for me. And it became easy to let that become an excuse.

I'm still praying about it. Still looking for the right place. Still trying to stay engaged with the healing process even when I haven't found my new community yet.

Because here's what I know: when I stop working it, I start sliding backward.

Not immediately. Not dramatically. But slowly, subtly, the old patterns start creeping back in. The self-awareness dims. The destructive coping mechanisms start whispering again.

It works if you work it. And it stops working when you stop working it.

That's not a guilt trip. That's just the truth. And the truth, as uncomfortable as it is, keeps me honest about where I am and where I need to be.

The Simple Truth

There's a story about one of the founders of Alcoholics Anonymous. A few hours before Dr. Bob passed away, he said to Bill Wilson, "Remember, Bill, let's not louse this thing up. Let's keep it simple!"

Can it really be this simple?

Work the steps. Find a mentor. Join a community. Stay honest. Show up even when you don't feel like it. Package your life into 24-hour segments and practice these principles to the best of your ability.

It isn't always easy. But if you keep it simple, it works.

The people who fail at this aren't the ones who struggle. Everyone struggles. The people who fail are the ones who stop working.

They stop going to meetings. They stop reaching out to their mentor. They stop being honest about their struggles. They stop showing up when it gets hard.

And then they wonder why nothing changes.

Nothing changes if nothing changes. And everything changes if you're willing to do the work.

My Invitation to You

If you're reading this, you might be where I was on April 7, 2022—one day before everything changed. Exhausted by your own patterns. Tired of destroying yourself. Desperate for something different but not sure you can actually do it.

Here's what I want you to know: you don't have to believe you can do it. You just have to be willing to try.

I didn't believe I could complete a 90 in 90. I didn't believe I could change patterns that had controlled me for decades. I didn't believe I had what it took to find real freedom.

But I was willing. And willingness was enough to start.

Find your version of a 90 in 90. Find your Dr. Rick Marks. Find a community of people who understand what you're fighting and will fight alongside you.

And then work it. Every day. Even when you don't feel like it. Even when you can't see progress. Even when everything in you wants to quit.

Because it works if you work it.

I'm living proof.

If you're ready to start your own journey to freedom, check out the RISE program at smalleyinstitute.com or reach out about coaching.

You can also text me at (303) 435-2630  or email [email protected] if you need help figuring out your first step.

What's been keeping you from doing the work? And what would it look like to finally go all in? Share in the comments—your honesty might be the thing that helps someone else take their first step today.