Every couple fights. I don't care how in love you are, how compatible you are, or how many devotionals you do together before bed. You're going to fight. That's not the problem.

The problem is what happens in the first ninety seconds.

Because here's the truth about conflict in relationships: most fights don't start big. They start small. A comment. A look. A tone of voice. And then one person reacts, the other person reacts to the reaction, and within ninety seconds you've gone from "hey, did you remember to call the insurance company?" to "you never follow through on anything and I'm basically running this entire household alone."

Sound familiar?

After thirty years of coaching couples, I can tell you that the difference between couples who make it and couples who don't isn't whether they fight. It's whether they know how to stop a fight before it goes off a cliff.

And the tool that does that? It's called a Repair Reset.

What Is a Repair Reset?

A Repair Reset is anything one person does to keep a conflict from escalating. That's it. It's any gesture, word, phrase, touch, or action that says, "Hey. I know this is getting heated. I don't want it to go further. Can we come back from this?"

It's not an apology. You're not admitting fault. You're not saying "you're right." You're just putting your hand on the brake before the car goes off the road.

Repair Resets can look like a lot of different things.

Sometimes it's humor. Right in the middle of a tense moment, someone cracks a joke or makes a face and the whole thing deflates. One couple I know has a rule: if either of them starts talking in a British accent during a fight, the other one has to laugh. It's stupid. It works every time.

Sometimes it's physical. Reaching for their hand. Putting your hand on their shoulder. Moving closer instead of further away. Your body language can say "I'm still on your team" even when your words haven't caught up yet.

Sometimes it's a code word. I love teaching couples to create what I call an emotional word picture. It's a word or phrase that means something only to the two of you. It could be as simple as "yellow light" (meaning slow down, we're heading somewhere bad) or as random as "pineapple." It doesn't matter what the word is. What matters is that both of you know it means "I love you and I don't want to do this right now."

Sometimes it's just honesty. "I'm getting flooded right now and I need a minute." "I can feel myself shutting down." "Can we start over? I don't like how this is going."

None of these are fancy. None of them require a degree in psychology. They're just small, brave moments where someone steps up and says, "This fight is not more important than us."

The Golden Rule of Fighting

Here's something I tell every couple I work with, and I want you to write this down somewhere:

You're allowed to be crazy. Just don't be crazy at the same time.

I'm serious. In any conflict, someone is going to get activated. Someone's going to say something dumb or react too fast or let their emotions take the wheel. That's human. That's going to happen.

But if BOTH of you go there at the same time? That's when things get said that can't be unsaid. That's when doors get slammed. That's when someone sleeps on the couch and doesn't talk for three days.

The goal isn't to never get upset. The goal is to take turns. When one of you is spiraling, the other one holds steady. When one of you is flooded, the other one stays grounded. You tag-team sanity.

And how does that happen? Somebody has to step up and disengage. Not disengage like "I'm walking away from you because you're impossible." Disengage like "I can feel this getting bigger than it needs to be, and I'm going to choose not to add fuel to it right now."

That's a Repair Reset. And it might be the most important skill you ever learn.

What Happens When a Repair Reset Gets Rejected

Okay, here's the hard part. Because this doesn't always go smoothly.

Sometimes one person tries to repair and the other person isn't ready. You reach for their hand and they pull away. You crack a joke and they stare at you like you just insulted their mother. You say "can we start over?" and they say "no, we can't, because you always do this."

Ouch.

When a Repair Reset gets rejected, it feels terrible. It feels like you tried to extend an olive branch and your spouse set it on fire. And the temptation is to think, "Fine. I tried. I'm done. They clearly don't want to fix this."

But here's what I want you to hear: a rejected Repair Reset doesn't mean everything is lost.

It usually means the other person isn't there yet. They're still flooded. Their nervous system is still in fight or flight mode. They haven't caught up to your attempt at peace because their body is still ready for war.

That doesn't mean they don't love you. That doesn't mean they don't want to fix it. It means they need more time.

So what do you do?

You take a breath. You give them space. You give them the benefit of the doubt. And you try again later.

Not in five seconds. Not by following them into the other room. Give it ten minutes. Give it an hour. Let their nervous system settle. Let the adrenaline come down. And then try again.

The research on this is clear: couples who keep making Repair Resets, even after they get rejected, have dramatically better outcomes than couples who give up after one try. It's not about getting it right the first time. It's about being willing to keep reaching.

Why Repair Resets Fail (And It's Not Why You Think)

Most of the time, Repair Resets don't fail because they're bad attempts. They fail because the receiving partner can't see them.

Think about it. When you're in the middle of a fight and your brain is flooded with cortisol and adrenaline, your ability to notice subtle bids for connection goes way down. Your partner might be softening their tone, uncrossing their arms, trying to make eye contact. But if you're locked into "we're fighting" mode, you'll miss all of it.

This is why I coach couples to make their Repair Resets obvious. Don't be subtle. Don't hint. Don't assume they'll pick up on your shift in body language when they're in the middle of an emotional hurricane.

Say it out loud. "Hey. I'm trying to repair here." "I don't want to fight anymore." "Can I get a do-over?"

Be loud about your love. Be obvious about your attempts to reconnect. Your partner can't receive what they can't see.

Building Your Repair Toolkit

I want you and your partner to sit down (not during a fight, please) and have a conversation about Repair Resets. Build a toolkit together. Here are some things to talk about:

Pick a code word. Something silly, something that's yours. When either of you says it, it means "I'm calling a timeout because I love you, not because I'm giving up." My personal suggestion? The more ridiculous the word, the better. It's hard to stay furious when someone looks you in the eye and says "pineapple."

Agree on a timeout signal. Decide now what it looks like when one of you needs to step away. And agree on this: stepping away is not abandonment. It's wisdom. "I need twenty minutes" is one of the most loving things you can say in the middle of a conflict. Just make sure you come back.

Talk about what helps you calm down. Some people need silence. Some people need a walk. Some people need to be held. Some people need to be left completely alone. Know your partner's reset button so you can help instead of accidentally making it worse.

Practice when the stakes are low. Don't wait for a massive blowout to try Repair Resets for the first time. Practice during small disagreements. Use the code word when you're mildly annoyed, not when you're seeing red. Build the muscle when it's easy so it's there when it's hard.

The Couple Who Gets This Right

The couples who thrive aren't the ones who never fight. They're the ones who fight and then find their way back to each other quickly. They rupture and repair. Rupture and repair. Over and over, for the rest of their lives.

That's not failure. That's marriage.

The goal was never perfection. The goal was always "how fast can we get back to being on the same team?"

Repair Resets are how you get there. They're small. They're simple. They're sometimes awkward and sometimes they don't work on the first try.

But they change everything.

So the next time a fight starts heating up, remember: somebody has to step up. Somebody has to be the one who says, "I'd rather be close to you than win this argument."

Be that somebody.

And for the love of everything, don't both be crazy at the same time.

Want to learn more tools like this for your relationship?

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Rupture and repair. That's how it works.

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You can also text me at (303) 435-2630 or email [email protected].

What's your go-to Repair Reset? Or what's the funniest code word you and your partner use? Share in the comments. I'm always looking for new ideas to steal.