How to Pray for Your Marriage When You're Not Sure It Will Survive

When your marriage is in crisis, prayer feels like the most natural response.

You pray constantly. Desperately. Sometimes multiple times a day.

"God, please fix this." "God, change my spouse." "God, save my marriage."

You're doing what every Christian is supposed to do—you're praying about it.

But months pass. Maybe years. And nothing changes.

Your prayers feel like they're bouncing off the ceiling. God seems silent. Your marriage continues to deteriorate.

And you start to wonder: Is God even listening?

Here's what I've learned after 30 years of walking with couples in crisis and living through my own marriage crisis:

God is listening. But most of us are praying the wrong prayers.

Not because of bad intentions. Not because we don't love God or our spouse.

But because we're praying for the wrong thing, in the wrong way, with the wrong focus.

Where Most People Start: The Prayers That Don't Work

When your marriage is dying, your prayers probably sound something like this:

Prayer #1: "God, Change My Spouse"

"God, please soften their heart toward me." "Help them see how much I love them." "Change their attitude." "Make them want to work on this marriage." "Open their eyes to their issues."

This prayer puts all the responsibility for change on your spouse.

You're essentially asking God to do a divine personality transplant while you remain exactly as you are.

The problem? God doesn't typically override someone's free will. And He's not in the business of changing people who don't want to be changed.

Prayer #2: "God, Make Them See How Wrong They Are"

"God, help them realize how much they've hurt me." "Show them their part in this." "Convict them of their sin." "Make them understand what they're doing to our family."

This prayer is about vindication, not reconciliation.

You want God to prove you're right and they're wrong. You want divine validation for your position.

But prayer isn't a courtroom where you argue your case and God rules in your favor.

Prayer #3: "God, Fix This Marriage"

"God, just fix this. Please."

This is the vaguest prayer of all—and often the most common.

You're asking God to magically make everything better without being specific about what needs to change or what you're willing to do.

It's a prayer of desperation that requires nothing from you except waiting for God to intervene.

Prayer #4: "God, Make Them Love Me Again"

"Bring back the feelings we used to have." "Restore their attraction to me." "Make them fall in love with me like they used to."

This prayer treats love like a light switch God can flip on and off.

You want the results (restored feelings) without the process (actual transformation that makes you someone worth being attracted to again).

Prayer #5: "God, Give Me a Sign"

"Show me if I should stay or go." "Tell me what to do." "Make it obvious what Your will is."

This prayer is often prayed while ignoring what God has already said.

You want a special revelation, a fleece, some dramatic sign—meanwhile, Jesus' words in Scripture are sitting there unread and unapplied.

Why These Prayers Don't Work

All of these prayers have something in common:

They focus on what you want God to do TO or FOR your spouse, while avoiding what God wants to do IN you.

They put the responsibility for change on someone else. They position you as the victim waiting for rescue. They ask God to override your spouse's free will. They focus on outcomes you can't control.

Most importantly: They don't require anything from you except waiting.

And that's why they don't work.

Not because God doesn't care about your marriage. But because God is far more interested in transforming you than in changing your spouse to make you comfortable.

Where Prayer Needs to Go: The Shift That Changes Everything

Jesus teaches us a different way to pray.

In the Garden of Gethsemane, facing the most terrifying moment of His life, Jesus prayed:

"Father, if you are willing, take this cup from me; yet not my will, but yours be done." (Luke 22:42)

Notice what Jesus did:

1. He was honest about what He wanted ("take this cup from me")
2. He surrendered to the Father's will ("yet not my will, but yours")
3. He trusted God even when the outcome was terrifying

That's the model for praying through marriage crisis.

Not demanding that God do what you think is best. Not trying to manipulate outcomes through spiritual language.

But surrendering to God's will, even when it's terrifying, and asking Him to transform YOU in the process.

The Transformation: Prayers That Actually Work

Here's where prayer needs to shift:

From: "God, Change My Spouse"

To: "God, Change Me"

Instead of: "God, soften their heart toward me."

Pray this: "God, show me how I've hardened my own heart. Reveal the ways I've contributed to this distance. Transform my character into something that reflects You, whether my spouse changes or not."

Why this works: You're taking responsibility for the one person you can actually control—yourself. You're inviting God to do the deep work in YOU that might actually change the dynamic.

Jesus said it clearly: "Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye?" (Matthew 7:3)

Stop praying about their speck. Start praying about your plank.

From: "God, Make Them See How Wrong They Are"

To: "God, Show Me My Part in This"

Instead of: "God, convict them of their sin."

Pray this: "God, show me MY sin. Reveal the ways I've hurt my spouse. Help me see where I've been defensive, self-righteous, or blind to my own faults. Give me the humility to own my part without excuses or justifications."

Why this works: When you stop focusing on their failures and start addressing your own, you stop being part of the problem. You create space for actual healing instead of just keeping score.

You can't change them. But you can stop being the person who makes things worse.

From: "God, Fix This Marriage"

To: "God, Make Me Who You Want Me to Be"

Instead of: "God, just fix this."

Pray this: "God, transform me into the person You created me to be. Whether my marriage survives or not, make me someone who reflects Your character. Give me the strength to do the hard work of transformation, even if my spouse never changes."

Why this works: You're surrendering the outcome to God while taking full responsibility for your own growth. You're saying, "I'll do my part. The results are Yours."

This is active surrender—trusting God with outcomes while obeying Him in the process.

From: "God, Make Them Love Me Again"

To: "God, Make Me Someone Worth Coming Back To"

Instead of: "Restore their feelings for me."

Pray this: "God, transform me into someone who is actually attractive—not just physically, but in character, maturity, and spiritual depth. Show me what I need to change, heal, or develop. Make me the kind of person my spouse deserves, whether they ever see it or not."

Why this works: You're focusing on genuine transformation instead of manipulating feelings. You're becoming someone worth being married to instead of demanding your spouse pretend you already are.

Real attraction comes from real change, not from God overriding someone's authentic feelings.

From: "God, Give Me a Sign"

To: "God, Give Me the Courage to Obey What You've Already Said"

Instead of: "Show me what to do."

Pray this: "God, I know what You've already said in Your Word. You've told me to love, to honor, to forgive, to be humble, to abide in Your words. Give me the courage to DO what You've already told me to do, even when it's terrifying. Help me obey what I already know instead of asking for new revelation to avoid the hard work."

Why this works: Most of us already know what God is asking us to do. We're just scared to do it. This prayer stops the avoidance and starts the obedience.

God doesn't typically give new instructions when we're still ignoring the ones He already gave.

What Changes When You Pray This Way

When you shift from "God, fix them" to "God, transform me," everything changes.

Not always in the ways you expect. Not always with the outcomes you want.

But you change. And that changes everything.

Change #1: You Stop Being a Victim

When you stop waiting for God to change your spouse and start asking God to change you, you stop being powerless.

You're no longer at the mercy of whether they decide to work on things.

You have agency. You have work to do. You have a role to play.

And that shifts you from victim to participant in your own transformation.

Change #2: You Stop Making Things Worse

Most people in marriage crisis are unintentionally making things worse.

Through defensiveness. Through blame. Through pursuing when they should give space. Through trying to control outcomes.

When you start praying "God, change me," you start seeing YOUR part in the dysfunction.

And when you address your part, you stop being fuel on the fire.

You might not save the marriage. But you'll stop accelerating its decline.

Change #3: You Experience Peace in the Storm

This is the most unexpected result.

When you surrender the outcome to God and focus on your own transformation, you find peace even in crisis.

Not because circumstances changed. But because you stopped trying to control what you can't control.

Jesus promised: "Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid." (John 14:27)

That peace shows up when you stop demanding God fix everything and start trusting God with everything.

Change #4: You Become Someone Your Spouse Might Actually Want to Come Back To

Here's the paradox:

When you stop trying to get your spouse back and start focusing on genuine transformation, you often become someone they're curious about again.

Not because you're manipulating them through reverse psychology.

But because real change is attractive. Genuine humility is disarming. Authentic transformation is compelling.

When you stop being the desperate, defensive, controlling person who drove them away and become someone genuinely different, they notice.

That doesn't guarantee they'll come back. But it gives your marriage a chance it didn't have when you were just praying for them to change.

Change #5: You Win Either Way

This is the most important change.

When you pray "God, transform me," you win whether your marriage survives or not.

If your marriage is restored: You're a transformed person in a healed relationship.

If your marriage ends: You're a transformed person ready for whatever God has next.

You can't lose when you focus on your own transformation.

Actual Prayers You Can Pray Right Now

Here are specific prayers you can pray when your marriage is in crisis:

Morning Prayer: Surrendering the Day

"God, I surrender this marriage to You today. Not my will, but Yours. I can't control whether my spouse changes, but I can control whether I'm obedient to what You're asking of me. Show me today what You want me to do. Give me the courage to do it. Transform me, whether my marriage survives or not. I trust You with the outcome."

When You're Angry at Your Spouse

"God, I'm angry right now. I want to blame, defend, and prove I'm right. But You said to take the plank out of my own eye first. Show me MY sin in this situation. Reveal where I've contributed to this problem. Help me own my part without excuses. Transform my heart so I can love well even when I'm hurt."

When You're Desperate for Things to Change

"God, I desperately want things to be different. But I've been asking You to change my spouse instead of asking You to change me. I'm done waiting for them to transform. Transform ME. Make me the person You want me to be. Give me the humility to do the hard work on myself instead of demanding my spouse do the work I think they need to do."

When You Don't Know If Your Marriage Will Survive

"God, I don't know if this marriage will make it. I'm terrified. But I know that You're faithful even when I can't see what You're doing. I trust that You'll be enough even if I lose what matters most to me. Help me do my part—the transformation, the obedience, the hard work—and leave the results to You. Not my will, but Yours."

When You're Tempted to Give Up

"God, I'm exhausted from trying. But I know giving up isn't the same as surrendering. Help me know the difference. If You're asking me to keep doing the work of transformation, give me strength. If You're releasing me from this marriage, make that clear. Until then, help me obey what You've already told me to do. Transform me into someone who honors You, whether my spouse ever sees it or not."

Evening Prayer: Releasing the Outcome

"God, I give You this marriage. I can't fix it. I can't control my spouse. I can't make them love me. But I can become who You want me to be. Thank You for the work You're doing in me today, even if I can't see the results yet. I trust that You're faithful. I trust that Your plan is better than mine. I release this marriage to You. Transform me. I'm Yours."

The Most Important Question

Here's the question you need to ask yourself:

Am I praying for God to change my spouse so I can stay the same? Or am I praying for God to change me whether my spouse ever changes or not?

Because the first prayer rarely gets answered.

But the second prayer? That's the prayer God always answers.

Not always the way you want. Not always with the outcome you expect.

But God always transforms people who genuinely ask to be transformed.

And that transformation is often the very thing that saves your marriage.

Or prepares you for whatever comes next.

Either way, you win.

What to Do Next

If you've been praying the wrong prayers, here's what to do:

1. Confess it. "God, I've been praying for You to change my spouse so I don't have to change. I'm sorry. I'm ready to do the harder work of transformation."

2. Start praying the transformation prayers. Use the scripts above or create your own. Pray daily for God to change YOU, not your spouse.

3. Act on what God shows you. Prayer without obedience is just religious words. When God reveals what needs to change in you, DO something about it.

4. Give it time. Transformation doesn't happen overnight. You're praying for deep character change, not surface behavior modification.

5. Trust God with the outcome. Your job is transformation. God's job is the results. Don't confuse the two.

Your marriage might not survive. But you will.

And the person you become through this crisis will be someone worth being married to—whether it's to your current spouse or someone new, whether it's now or later.

That's the power of praying the right prayer: God, transform me.

Ready to Learn How to Actually Hear God's Voice?

If you're ready to move from desperate prayers that bounce off the ceiling to powerful prayers that transform you from the inside out, my Following Christ online course will teach you how to hear Jesus' words and actually do them.

This 12-week journey includes:

• Prayer that brings intimacy, answers, and power (not just empty words)
• How to hear God's voice and know what He's asking of you
• Faith that transforms and works miracles (not just intellectual belief)
• The promises of Jesus and how to receive them in crisis

This isn't theory. It's learning to abide in Christ in ways that actually change you.

Need more support or resources? Browse our full collection of courses, intensives, and coaching at smalleyinstitute.com/store 

Remember: Prayer isn't about convincing God to change your spouse. It's about surrendering to God's work of transforming you. When you pray "God, change me," you position yourself for the miracle you've been asking for—either a restored marriage or a transformed you. Both are victories.

What prayer do you need to stop praying? What prayer do you need to start? Share in the comments—your honesty might help someone else finally pray the prayer that actually works.